ESSENCE

02

It's been two months since I've been to Nevernight, ironic since I own the place, but there was a little problem I had to sort out in Sicily, now that that's been handled I can finally return.

Today seems like the worst day to be back, though. The weather's great, the place is quiet and everyone seems happy. Everyone but me.

I hate the first of July. It's the day the world decided to take my father from me. It sort of feels like the universe is mocking me with all the cheerfulness in the air. Maybe if I pray hard enough, it'll start to hail.

Living without Matteo is painful, I miss him. I miss his smile, I miss the way he'd argue with the hair brush when it got tangled in my hair, I miss the bedtime stories he read me even at my big age, I miss his forehead kisses, his smell, his laughter, his joy, I miss it all but most of all I miss him.

I didn't even realize I was crying until I saw a drop on my phone screen.

He'd be running around the kitchen trying to make my favorite marble cake with the icing and almond slices on top.

He was a horrible cook and an even worse cleaner, but he'd get my cake perfect every time.

Somedays, I'd wish it'd all been a dream, and when I woke up, he'd be watching Popeye the Sailor Man and drinking hot chocolate in the living room.

I even dreamt of it this morning, and I woke up crying.

I can't believe he's gone. He was my everything, I know he's done some pretty bad stuff, but he did them for good reasons, and if that's what he was judged on, then the whole world should be cleansed. He didn't deserve to go. He deserved more than what life offered him.

It hurts, knowing he's not here, and he's not coming back, hurts. Matteo's been the first man to show me what true love was, what it feels like, and how happy it makes you.

There'll be no candle lit bright enough to embrace his light in my life.

I'll never have my father walk me down the aisle, brush my hair, scare my boyfriend, threaten my fiancé, plan to murder my husband, or play with his grandchild.

I'll never have his shoulder to lean on.

I love you, dad.

.♤.

"You know stalking me isn't going to help you."

"I don't know what you mean."

"Cut the shit Giano, you know what you're doing isn't going to bring him back."

I watch as his nose flares and his knuckles tighten around the glass.

"I don't even know what my grandfather saw in you. You're everything my father said you were." He spat.

"I appreciate your kind words, but I should inform you. Today's not the day to piss me off."

"Was he really that bad, Essence?" He asked as his eyes glossed over.

"You can't handle this conversation right now, Giano. You've been drinking since half noon, it's almost midnight." I turn to walk away.

"We went through Grandpa's stuff today. You know he's kept every photo of us in an album. Most of them were you, though, considering he'd been cut out of my life."

"They made me believe he left because he already had the perfect kid in his life, and it wasn't me. The whole time, she allowed my father to keep me from him, and then she had the audacity to hit me when I found Grandpa's journal and confronted her."

"She knew he killed him, Es. She knew, and she stayed. I don't care how much of a perfect husband or father he was. She knew he was a monster outside of us, and she still kept him in our lives."