TW: TALKING ABOUT AN EATING DISORDER
Dear Eating Disorder,
You have been a part of my body for such a long time now. I am now an adult but I have had you sitting on my shoulders since early middle school. At the beginning, you tricked me into thinking you had my back, tricking me into thinking that you would help me in the long run. Who am I to blame here...you or me?
Everyday I wake up struggling because of our toxic relationship. I haven't been able to do the things that I have wanted to do in years. Sure, I have done some stuff I wanted anyway just to get you off my back but it just weighs you down on me even more. I have scars from your abuse on my body. I have parts of me that will never be the same again because of your affect on me. You forced me to grow up quicker than I needed to and I was too little to be dealing with the stuff you made me deal with. Why can't I get rid of you no matter how hard I try?
Therapy helped us for a little bit but now you are back to your old ways. Making me feel horrible about myself, telling me all the things I am doing wrong and how I am the grossest person you have ever seen in your life. All the tips that the therapist gave us must have faded away because I try to use them with you but you now know how to dodge them. I can never win anymore. You control me. You manipulate me.
I want to break free from your abuse. I want to eat like I did when I was younger. I want to have a soda without you beating me up. I want to eat a couple pieces of cake without you forcing me to exercise. I can't just ignore you because you follow me around wherever I go. You have made me so overwhelmed to the point where I have wanted to give up so many times. After almost six years of having you on my ass...what else can I do?
You have ruined friendships, my body, and my outlook on life. You hold me back from so much. I cannot even go out with a friend without you scolding me for days. I cannot explain to people how you make me feel and what you do to me because they never understand. I wish I knew why you chose me as your victim six years ago. I have been a prisoner of your controlling actions for too long.
Somedays you aren't as harsh, I will admit to that. But you still hurt me. You make me hard to love, to live with, to be around. So can you please just leave? I do not want you in my life anymore. I want you gone. I want to enjoy meals with my loved ones, I want to eat healthy and not be reminded of how healthy you made me eat years ago. How I could not eat anything sweet...even if it was a tiny chocolate chip. Sometimes if I eat a strawberry I feel sick because of how much I ate them when you had me starving myself.
I was under a strict diet with you. Bananas, Strawberries, Peanut Butter, Granola bars, and some other fruits/veggies. I wasn't allowed to have sweets and normal kid stuff like the others. You broke me. By not eating, my body did not grow to its full capacity because it lacked nutrients. I almost died from malnutrition because of your neglect. Maybe one day you will decide to leave my body and let me live a healthy life...but I do not think you will because no matter what, I will suffer trauma from your mental abuse.
You have made me stronger because a lot of kids have not dealt with this kind of hovering monster like I have, but you have also made me weaker. You are a demon and you know all my weak points. You know what I will listen to and what I will not. You remind me of all the things that were said to me in my past...no matter how long ago it was.
But sadly, you are a part of me. That is what I need to accept. You are like a tumor that won't stop coming back. I could embrace that each and everyday I survive your torture but sometimes I get really tired. If only I could put into words on how awful you are. No matter what, I will try and try to get rid of you. Even if it is the last thing I do. I want the old me back, the old me that enjoyed to eat. The old me who was healthy. I am thankful for making me stronger, but I also hate you for how badly you messed me up. I pray to God everyday that you will leave my body, but not much luck yet. I know I am safe in God's hands. But, whatever you do...please do not take me away.
Sincerely,
One out of thirty million victims.
BẠN ĐANG ĐỌC
The Writings of Real Life
Thơ caI am hoping that the poems/rants I write will relate to some readers as well as help them realize they are not alone. These poems/rants are also meant for awareness!!! If you are reading this, I hope you enjoy what I write! This book will talk about...
