Eren didn't know how he got to the conclusion that he loves her.
He loves her.
That's it. Simple as that.
He loves the woman who gives him gentle smiles and warm touches. How he went from being annoyed of how she nags him all the time to missing it more than anything in the world.
He missed how she would look at him in that kind of look and no one else. And now he stands next to his half-brother watching everything to that has happened in his life unfold everything that he missed. God, the young him has so much in his life and he didn't even know it. What he would give just to be in his place right now.
He craves her touch. He craves her presence near him. He craves everything about her. And only ever her.
He watches as he longs for the warmth of his cheeks on the day he wrapped his scarf around her and the warm tingles of his stomach.
The memories change until they were cadets. And only now he realized how it went at a top notch just how much she needed him. At that time, he only ever cared about was slaying titans and getting rid of everything that stood in his way. He didn't care about everything else. Watching it from a different angle made him realize that she was also just a child. A child that was forced to grow up.
Mikasa... How many times have you needed me and I wasn't there by your side.
And when he thought it couldn't get more painful than what he was feeling, he was blessed with the sight of her crying herself to sleep. All because he rejected her action of affections and yelled at her to stop.
Oh how he wanted to punch himself.
The crying went to panic attacks to how she can hardly breathe anymore. Even waking up Sasha next to her and she sleeps like a fucking rock.
His heart bleeds.
"I just wanted to be close to him."
His heart shattered. He watched as she hold the scarf closer. Her only source of comfort that was never going to betray her. Unlike him.
No amount of sorry can he ever give her to fix her heart. Armin was right, he was always going forward never giving a second glance to everything that he leaves on his path.
"Ever since we were kids. I've always hated you, Mikasa."
Her eyes welled up with tears, so did his soul. He just watched as to how his words hurt her and spread through her entire being. How her eyes stayed unfocused after that incident. Mentioning to their friends how she no longer have the privilege to live after of what he said.
He said that to protect her. To make her hate him to be able to carry on in killing him.
But what he did only killed her instead.
He remembered that he couldn't do it. He couldn't say goodbye without looking at her being happy yet. So he takes her through the paths. Where they live happily as they should've. Away from all of this.
His desire to be with her was so great he just had to take her through the paths. The four years they spend together there wasn't enough. It will never be. No amount of time will be enough for him to look at her face while sleeping, to run his hands through her dark, silky hair, to treasure her warm smiles as he brings her fishes for dinner, how she looks so beautiful when he's making love to her. He'll miss everything.
And that was enough to break his heart into chaos.
He confesses, or rather whined, to Armin about how he feels. He just couldn't take it anymore.
"I DON'T WANT HER TO FIND ANOTHER GUY...!! I DON'T WANT HER TO FIND ANOTHER GUY...!!"
Armin beats him up. He deserves it. After all he put his love through, compared to the heartbreak she felt, Armin's punches felt like a baby's punch.
But he stands through his words. Of all the lies he told, the words he said had never been more true.
Imagine the surprise he felt when he watched her kiss his lifeless head. Even as a ghost, how he couldn't cry, yet he did. The tears streamed down his face like a mantra.
Even after he told her to forget him, she didn't. She stayed loyal to him only having him in her heart and no one else.
"See you later, Eren."
He begged to the gods to let him wrap the scarf around her one last time. And he did, by a fucking bird of all things. But maybe it was fate.
A bird was free. He was free.
He reads the engraving on his tomb again.
My dearest.
My beloved.
Eren Yeager
845–864.
And he watched his beloved walk away from him with a heavy heart.
