There are no words (to be spoken of this)

Chapter Five

I am no man of words
I never have been
Words seemed too powerful
Lay you bare, make you seen
So I learned to swallow them
To hide away in a box
Far down in my darkness
With no key for its locks

Sincerity a danger
Emotion a weakness
Things you can't allow
In this life and its bleakness
You better stay silent, son
You better not cry
Show no sign of failing
And hide behind your lie

It's what I was taught
What I always believed
The words of a father
I endured and grieved
A father I feared
Long after his removal
For a child's heart craves
Only love and approval

But what if love is weakness?
What if worth is deception?
How can you long for
What is false by conception?
How can you welcome
And indulge your own craving
When it seems to deny them
Is your only saving

I have lived all my life
Devoid of all feeling
Built a wall in my heart
Like a wound without healing
Always pained, always scared
Always feared someone would
See through me some day
See I'm all Must and Should

The truth would come out:
I'm nothing but a fraud
Pretentious and lacking
Ugly and flawed
Always twisting and bending
Breaking down to fit
Losing sight of myself
Drowning, bit by bit

But how can you change?
How can you stop?
When you know it's too late
For your facade to drop
For who would you be
Without all the lies
Without all the costumes
Without the disguise

How do you find yourself
Once you've been lost?
When you paid for your walls
With your life as the cost
How do you live
Without all those bars
That kept you from reaching
For unreachable stars?

Those bars kept you safe
Kept you grounded and sane
They were your comfort
As well as your chain
So how do you live now
Without their weight?
When to breathe so much air
Feels like tempting fate

I can still remember
How mum used to tell
Tales that had me bound
Like a magical spell
She used to sit by my bed
Card a hand through my hair
The sound of her voice
Softly filling the air

How safe she made me feel
Eyes so gentle, smile so bright
Angels are watching over you, son
She said every night
Yet they couldn't be real
So I never believed her
And why would they bother
With me, if they were

And then there were you
Proving me wrong
Proving you had been there
With me all along
Your name and your grace
Etched into my every cell
The name of my saviour
My angel - Castiel

You know who I am
You know me so well
You know and still thought
It was worth it that you fell
And I'll never know why
And I do not dare ask
How you liked what you saw
Beneath my old mask

You know I wear it still
Even when I'm with you
I simply don't know
How to be free and true
I wish I could be
God know you deserve
Someone who gives
Without any reserve

And yet here I am
Clinging to my walls
Too afraid of what might happen
When I let go and it falls
Good things do happen
I remember your words
But my faith is so fragile
Hope fleeting as birds

So I sit and stay silent
And swallow the pain
The words in my heart
Keep pushing in vain
You ask how I am
And I just want to say:
I'm lost without you
Can't you hear me pray?

But I say that I'm fine
And you know it's all lies
I know that you know
So I lower my eyes
Your gaze follows mine
And I repeat I'm okay
You know that it's just
What I'm supposed to say

Cause I'm not fine, Cas
There you have it - black on white
My life is a struggle
Every day is a fight
And I cannot make speeches
I can't find the words
To tell you the truth
How much it all hurts

All I can do
Is tell you this much
I relearned how to feel
When I felt your touch
And perhaps I'm a fool
Perhaps I'm insane
But you're the one thing
That numbs all the pain

You're my salvation, Cas
The one to break my walls
The one I want to follow
Whenever he calls
And you might never know
Cause I might never tell
But I'll always cling to you
To lift me from hell

And I know I'm not enough
And likely never will
So I'll hold my tongue
Keep silent and still
My words locked away
As they've always been
In my chest in the dark
Where they remain unseen

Still, there's one thing I know
And will always be true
As certain as grass is green
And your eyes are blue:
My mother was right
Her angels were real -
Meeting you was the moment
My heart started to heal

~oOo~

Notes:

Background fun facts: I did Cas' in italics bc my headcanon is that his handwriting is neater and fancier than Dean's haha
Also Cas' poem is rhymed in a regular a-a-b-b rhyming couplet scheme and Dean's only rhymes every 2nd and 4th verse of each stanza (a-b-c-b), the syllable count of each verse varies more than I allowed in Cas' poem, causing Dean's to fall out of meter sometimes and feel kind of bumpy and messier overall - just felt like it fit their personalities and writing "talent"
Did I put too much unnecessary thought into this? Probably.
I can't help myself, I do German studies, it's in my blood, sue me.