Catching Up to You

Chapter 19 - What Are We Doing?

"Do you?," she asked before she could change her answer. Trang felt like she had just seen another glimpse of her past when she looked at him again. Under the dim lighting, she could no longer see the tired dark circles under his eyes nor the growing creases at the edges of his lips. He looked like his eighteen-year-old self who didn't know the "I loved you" that would come after "I love you."

"I regretted agreeing to break up with you," he said without a break of hesitation. His eyes full of confidence and conviction, as if he had rehearsed this confession numerous times before a spotlight shined upon him. He lifted his chin to her face, his lips inches away from hers. He finally pressed them quickly against hers.

They kissed. She let his soft lips melt onto hers a few seconds longer than she had anticipated. For that short time period, they were teenagers with acne problems, plaid shirts, and glasses that made their faces look too small.

They shouldn't be doing this.

A few seconds later, she pushed him off her.

"Wha- Wha- What the hell are you doing, Danny? You're married! Married!" She hissed under breath, repeating the word more for herself than for him, not knowing whether to feel exhilarated or guilty - but most likely the latter.

"So, I've been lying to you."

"Clearly. And not just me either."

"It has been... really rocky for her and me... For the past few years..." His hands clasped tightly together and eyes not meeting hers as he confessed.

"How about this housewarming party? You two look great together!" She couldn't believe what he was saying was true. Just an hour ago, she had come to accept that he's moved on without her, flying miles above sea level where she was paddling desperately to stay afloat and gasping for air. And now, it seems that she had only realized that he was, too, nearly drowning where he was - and someone like him could so easily pull her down as well if she let him. She was semi-flailing her arms right now, putting out the invisible fiery mess that was spreading next to her.

"Ha, this party idea was hers."

Later on, she would get angrier remembering the fake smile and lies he had given her when they first met at Wal-Mart.

"And like the supportive husband, you should go along with some of her ideas, even if you hate it," she scoffed. Maybe he hasn't changed as much as she thought when they had separated.

"You don't understand anything," he looked downward, his head between his hands, shaking his head. "Everything is so... fucked up."

"You're right. I don't understand. I don't understand at all, but that doesn't mean that you should just ki-ki-kiss me!" She wanted to yell at him, but ended up with a sharp whisper, almost spatting him in the face. She was stuck between making a scene, not giving a crap about whether they were found out or not, to her need to lay low in fear of his wife and her friends' wrath. Now, she wished she had stood her ground and stayed home. At least she dealt with her mother's anger before, but not this. To think that the only person who wanted her was her ex who was already married to another woman. She didn't even want to imagine what her mother would say if tonight's rendezvous ever reached her ears.

Danny brought his hand hovering over her, but she pulled her hand away before he could hold it in place.

And then, the words she had heard from many of those who came before him. "I'm sorry. I really am." Or another variation of that. "I don't know what's gotten into m-."

"Oh my gosh, can you... please shut the fuck up? I came here to congratulate you on a new chapter in your life. But all I feel now is feeling sorry for you."

"Oh, and you think you're better than everyone now. I saw you out there with her friends. You're just like every one of them - acting all high and mighty now that you've seen the world!" Danny was booming and a few folks began walking over to them.

She didn't respond to his taunt. Instead, she said, "You're drunk. Goodbye, Danny. I wish you the best of luck with everything." She could hear every tremor in her throat as she enunciated each word. She wished the words had sounded less shaky and more elegant than they were.

And she walked out - past the kitchen with the over-embellished lights, past the crowded living room-ballroom that made her feel empty, past the people whose faces she will forget the morning after, past her former lover's wife and children without a goodbye, knowing that no one would call for her name or come after her this time either.

When she got home, her uncle was deep in slumber and snores on the living room couch - he never got used to the mattress - and her aunt and mother were sharing the bed in the opposite room from hers. Trang went straight to her vacant bedroom, making a note to herself that she would drive to the outlet mall thirty minutes from the Super Wal-Mart the next time she needed something.

Right when she got into bed, she scrolled the list of new emails on her phone. Most were rejection emails for job opportunities she recently applied to while a few were from a bank that was charging her fees for going below the minimum balances on her accounts. After a few seconds of scrolling, she threw down her phone and stuffed her face into the pillow.

What the hell am I doing?

This was the question she had been asking herself for the past decade - more recently so during the most recent years. She fell asleep in tears before she knew the answer to the question.