Catching Up to You

Chapter 19 - What Are We Doing?

He has been smoking in the backyard. Trang blinked her eyes a few more times. This was her first time witnessing Danny partaking in the tobacco-smoking activity. His eyes were lost in mid-thought as his mouth made Os in weak puffs into the air. He had his dress shirt unbuttoned near the collar and untied his tie. All he needed was an unkempt stubble on his chin.

"Hey," he whispered, not breaking his gaze into space. Did he know that she was there? Was he not afraid of embarrassing himself in front of her? Or was he just too exhausted to care?

"Hey, yourself."

"Cigarette?"

"No, I quit."

"Huh," he said, still with a blank expression on his face.

"Why aren't you inside reenacting a scene from The Wolf on Wall Street?"

Usually, Danny would be making a quick, witty remark about how he was practicing his lines for a better movie but this time, he stayed quiet.

"You okay, there?" She sat down beside him.

"Yeah. Just a little tired." The right end of his lips curled upward to form a slight, somewhat sad version of a grin. Trang was not sure whether it was the intoxicating tobacco smoke leaking from his worn cigarette butt or his tired, pitiful appearance that gave her a sudden urge to wrap her arms around his shoulders - but she knew she shouldn't in case anyone was nearby.

"Don't say that and look at me like the Joker just drew on your face."

"Hope you're enjoying the party," he snickered in Heath Ledger's raspy voice.

"Ha! I'm just relieved to know that my 10th high school reunion wasn't taking place at my high school ex's housewarming party."

"It might not look like it but it made me feel like I was at one." His voice was back to normal now. She thought she heard a crack in his throat during the middle of his sentence.

"Oh, really?" she gave a nervous chuckle, half-expecting him to laugh at her for believing in a few seconds. "I wasn't expecting, out of everyone from our school, to see you feel this way. I mean, look at how glamorous your friends' lives are."

"Ha! You're telling me you like those bozos in there?"

"... Well, I don't know too much about them. They seemed nice to me."

"Come on, Trang. Do you really believe that?" They locked eyes. The intensity in his eyes made the hairs rise on her arms. The few seconds of silence shared between them gave away the answer that he was seeking from her. Still, she felt that she had to comfort him with words.

"No. They all looked like phonies."

"Thank you, Holden," he gave her one of his genuinely puppy-dog happy smiles again, his grip on her slowly relaxed. They were still the only ones sitting on the backyard steps, under lights leaking from indoors. Salty smoke air still lingering the air around, encircling the two lonely souls, wondering who they were to each other.

"Do you... have any regrets?"

"Mm? Me?" It was a question she never thought someone would ask her if they had followed where she'd been. "Not really..." she quickly said. Ever since she left home, she couldn't think of a time when she felt like she wanted to throw herself under a pillow and scream her existence into it - except a few hours ago. Funny how she'd rather be smelling like mixed alcohol and crushed tobacco, surrounded by people she could give less of a shit about, sitting beside the only guy she might have hoped in the back of her mind to be waiting for her return - for what reason? She didn't know except after so many flings and heartbreaks, all of them looked so fragile as glass compared to what she had with Danny. Danny could've finished her sentences if he had wanted to.