Wishes.

(For a better experience listen to - Not My Responsibility by Billie Eilish)

I feel like crying for no reason. Well, not for no reason.... many reasons. Him mainly. Always mean. Only on mic. Reality = kindness, laughter, signs... not face to face.. mic = never kindness. Never laughter. Never signs. Always hurting and sighing. Never happiness. Can't speak unless spoken to. Just want to feel like I can fit in and I want to talk and laugh with them and have fun with them but I can't. It just doesn't work for me. I cant make a conversation with them. With him. Knowing he likes someone else makes me feel worthless, but he is always giving me signs... irl. Never on mic. He's a whole different person when others are around whereas when it's just us on mic he speaks to me nicer. Better. Makes me feel like an actual person instead of a toy. When with others it's like he switched bodies. I don't know why I feel like this and why I rant about this because it's just a small liking.... But this seems different. I don't want to talk about him all the time but he never leaves my head. I feel trapped in this loop that I can not escape. School is already too much for me and he's just adding on. Having to smile as if everything is okay but in reality I want to sink in a hole and never come out. I feel different. I feel unwanted. I don't want to say everyone wants me I just want to feel wanted by the ones I love. Even just by the ones I like. But I can never feel that way. I can't be liked - race...culture...the way I act...my laugh...even the way I probably walk...the way I look... People saying being different is unique but sometimes it's hard to be different. Your just worthless because your not the same as them. People may see me as this happy, joyful, great person but that's not how I see myself. That's not how he sees me. Even though I'm the one who cares for him the most, he still doesn't see me like that type of person. I wish he did. I wish I didn't have to change my looks just for him to see me in a better way. I wish I could just be me in front of him. But I can't. I wish the signs would stop. I wish he would just make his decision already. I feel I can only send snaps back whenever he's online because that's when he will actually reply to me. When offline = 3h delivered. 4h delivered. 5. 6. 7. Until he decides to do his streaks then I'm just like the rest of the people on his snap. Wish he would just acknowledge me the way I acknowledge him. I wish he sees me how I see him. I wish he thinks of me how I think of him. I just wish. But seems like not all wishes can come true. Especially mine. Especially this.