Steppingstones: Trauma is a Bitch

Flashback

But time ran out quickly and we both knew it's time to stop. I had to leave soon. I gave him one last lingering kiss before getting up and turning on the light. No words were exchanged about our very hot make out session. We just sat on the bed, eating ice cream and watching YouTube until I had to leave. It was peaceful. Loving. Happy. 

Now, I lay on my own bed. My head feels fucked up and my stomach churns as I think about it all. It was amazing. The things he did to me were amazing. Hot. So, fucking hot. But I ruined it. I froze. He was on top of me, and I froze. Why the fuck did I freeze? I'm not afraid of him so why did I freak out? I think back to the only other time I've been in that position. Having a guy on to I went out with this guy and on the first date, we walked around a store and ended up making out. He was on top of me. Oh my god. Holy fucking shit. The memory flashes in my mind.

We walk over to the home department store, hand in hand. It's been a good date so far. Nothing too bad. I smile at the fact that I'm definitely the better rock climber. We walk around for a while before he pulls me to a stop at the pillow section. Pillows cover the floor under the shelves.

He smirks at me and crawls in laying down on the pillows. He looks up at me from under the overhang of the shelf. A sexy smirk on his face. "You gonna join me?" His voice is teasing. Hopeful. I look around the aisle, hesitating before climbing into the little nook with him. The little area he's lying in is small and my whole body is pressed against his side, and I feel like I can't breathe.

"I-I've never done this before." I say softly. My breath catches in my throat. I'm not sure why. He doesn't usually affect me this way. Maybe it's that this is so intimate. At least to me. Probably not to him. He's got girls throwing themselves at him. This is nothing to him.

"That's okay." He whispers back. We stay like that for a few moments. I squeeze my eyes closed, thinking to myself. If I don't make a move, I'll seem lame. If I don't put out, if I don't perform, he'll leave me behind and move onto someone with actual experience. He's probably already bored with me. I'm so inexperienced and young. He's probably been with multiple girls. Sexy, experienced girls. Girls with way bigger boobs. Prettier eyes. Healthier hair. Sexier asses. Wider hips. Better than me in every way. 

"C-can you kiss me?" I ask hesitantly and he instantly turns his head to the side. His lips connect with mine, tongue instantly prying my lips open. After only a couple seconds, I pull away, setting my forehead against his chest. My breaths come in quick gasps. Feeling this flustered and scared is normal, right? I mean I just had my first kiss. It's normal. Any girl would feel like this.

He's quiet for a few seconds. "Do you wanna kiss again?"

"Okay." I say after a second. A second kiss has to be better right? More comfortable. His tongue is in my mouth again. I squeeze my eyes closed and let him explore my mouth. I feel inadequate. Inexperienced. I don't stand a chance. He probably hates it because I'm so bad at this. And the kiss only lasts slightly longer than the first before I pull away. I roll off of him and stand up in the aisle. I look back at him as he climbs out of the little pillow fort. He smiles at me as he jogs over. He grabs my hand, and we continue walking around the store. And he keeps kissing me. And I keep letting him. I don't feel super uncomfortable. I think I want this. No, I do want this. I want this. I want his lips on mine. I want his hand intertwined with mine. And it is.

Eventually, we circle back around, back to the pillow section. He smirks at me and goes and sits on the pillows, patting the spot next to him. I sit down and he wraps an arm around my waist. I can tell he wants to kiss me, but I look straight forward, ignoring his intentions. He sighs and starts to stand to leave. Fuck. I don't want to seem lame. I close my eyes and beacon him over. Even with my eyes closed I can almost feel his smirk. He crawls over to me, kissing me intensely. Tongue instantly inside my mouth. As he kisses me, he gently pushes me so I'm laying flat on my back. His tongue presses into my mouth in time with how his hips push against mine. I feel like I can't breathe. So many sensations run through my body and I can feel everything.

And I don't know if I'm enjoying it. I should be enjoying it. A hot guy is on top of me. Any reasonable girl would be elated. So why am I not? His lips leave mine and I can't force myself to be disappointed. I should be. I want this. I want it all. Everything he's willing to give me. Yet I feel almost relieved. His lips land on my neck and I tense. That's normal though. Everyone would be breathless from the way his lips move across my skin, sucking randomly. Should I be tense? Does he like it? He kisses my ear, blowing cold air on it and oh my god. I can't think. I can't move. This is crazy.

Suddenly, he freezes and my eyes pop open. "What's wrong?" I whisper.

"People." He whispers back, looking over his shoulder. I follow his gaze and my blood runs cold. Someone is staring at us. Oh God. Oh, my fucking God. I'm so dead. They're going to call the manager or some shit and then they're going to call my mom. I'm not supposed to be here.

"Fuck." I say through gritted teeth as I push against his chest. He rolls off of me. I quickly stand and speed walk to the end of the aisle. Turning around, I realize he isn't following me. "Come on!" I urge. Then, I actually look at him. His head is bowed. A pillow on his lap. Oh fuck. Fuck, he's hard. I swallow thickly and turn around, walking back down the aisle. He's fucking hard. Does that mean I did good? I feel so weird. It's normal for him to be hard. I think...I mean we were making out.

After a moment, he walks up behind me and grabs my hand.  I force a smile. I force the thoughts out of my mind. I force myself to act normal. For him. I force it all for him. This is all normal. Everything is fine. Totally fine.

The memory ends and my stomach churns thickly. My breathing quickens. Oh, God. Oh my fucking God. How did I never realize how bad that was? How did I never realize how much it affected me? I didn't want it. I know that now. Why did I do that to myself? Fuck.

I feel like I can't breathe. What is happening to me? I fucked it up. I fucked it all up. Everything. I fuck everything up. He's going to hate me. He's going to realize how fucked up I am and leave me.  He's going to stand up and leave my fucked-up life behind him. And he should too. I'm not worth the problems I bring to his life. I'm not worth him. I feel like I'm going to cry. I wipe my eyes before any tears fall. I'm not going to cry over this. I already cried about that dick before. Never again. Never.

My hands shake as I reach for my phone. I need to tell someone. Talk to someone. Anyone. I just need this to stop. I need to relax. I need the shaking to stop. To feel normal. To feel calm. I hate that I have to do this. I hate that I have to ask for help. But I hate even more that he made me need to ask for help at all.

1420 Words