My Nightmare

Chapter 5 ~ When it all went wrong

Summer vacation.

I waited all year long for summer. Free from all the bullies. I wanted to be skinny. I am just a big fat pig said the little voice in my head. I was so done with my body. It had to change!! I stopped with; snacks, soda, products with sugar and fat stuff. I started to count calories. My max was 300 call at a day. I drunk much water, and wanted to see the fat leaving. But i didn't saw anything.. i was angry and upset. It had to work!!! I have 8 weeks.. i started to skipp my diner, and worked out more than ever. Everyday, all day long. And after 1 week did i saw that i lost 26 lbs. I was proud of myself. ''Good work, fatty. Go further like this!!'' After 3 weeks did i went from 132 lbs to 99 lbs. I was so proud at myself but my voice in my head wasn't. ''Look at you, you lost 66 lbs but you're still a fat pig. You'll be never skinny.'' Those thoughts were hurting me. So i decided to lose more weight. But i started to think, why would i stop eating if i can binge and purge. So i started to eat again, but all that food in my body got converted into fat. I felt feeling guilty everytime i did eat. My weight after one week was 120 lsb. I was so scared that i would get heavy again. I started to do my work out again and stopped eating but in the evening i fainted so i ate a chocolate cookie. I felt weak and the voice always saw eveything i did. And he let me pay for it. I took for the first time a scissor and started to cut 'i will never be; skinny enough, pretty enough, wanted, loved, i'll never have some friends or people i can trust. 'Youre such a waste of time and space.' 'You would better be off dead.' And there were so many more awful things the little voice said to me. I tried so hard to skinny. Five weeks flew by. It all went wrong when my foster mother asked me something, i didn't knew what exactly happend with me but i was sooo angry. I did hit her, my lovely foster mother who was so harmless. She tried to hide her in the living room and locked the door. I screamed to open the door. It was a stained glass door. And all i wanted was to hurt her so bad, 'who does she thinks she is' said the little voice. I had so much adrelanin. So i kicked with my feet in the strained glass door, i heard the glass breaking. I was shocked. I didnt knew this person. Who did i become i thought.. this isn't me. Before i could stop myself i started to kick her in her back. She runned outside with her mobile. I saw her crying on the phone. And all i could think of was 'what did i do..' After a hour i saw my dad's car. He asked me to pack my stuff.. i had to go with him. Somewhere i felt a relief, i didn't had to be around my bullies anymore. But i didn't wanted to be near my dad. I heard her crying and that really broke my heart. I hit a 67 year old lady who were always there for me when my parent weren't. I said sorry and leaved her house. She didn't wanted to see me and closed the door after i left without looking back. With one look back, 'I won't forget the good times, and i am so sorry.' When i stepped into the car my dad asked me some stuff. 'Would you date me if i was younger and not your dad?'. I found it ridiculous that he asked me this. This isn't normal to ask, right? I thought. 'No' i said. 'Why?' he asked. He touched me between my legs.. i closed them as soon as i felt his hand going up.. i did put my earphones in and let the music blast in my ears. And lead me into a world far away from here.

I stayed two weeks by my dad, after those two weeks did i heard that i had to go to a new foster mother.. 'Maybe i will have more luck here' i told myself.