Life ain't even grey

Chapter 9: Doubts

At his trembling voice, he supposed he wouldn’t blame her if she did not stop, he could be groaning his pleasure for all she knew. But she stopped. Because she knew him. And he felt an ache deepen at the doubt his heart could not help but cast upon them and their connection that is so pure, so definitively present, “Finn?” she frowned. Her voice was so tender, his breath hitched and he wanted to cry.

I want you. He wanted to tell her. I- fuck- I really do. More than I have ever wanted anyone. Her eyes searched his face, confused and concerned. But I have to know... do you mean it? Do you mean it when you said it will always be me? Do you mean it truly? Will you still want me when I'm afraid? Will you still want me when things got difficult? Will you leave…? Again. His eyes filled with tears despite how hard he fought against them.

“What’s wrong?” she scooted closer to him, settling on his abdomen as she leaned over him. He felt the tips of her fingers brush his cheek, uncertainty clear on her face. He shook his head, gritting his teeth against more tears, “Finnie, talk to me,” she whispered.

Gazing up at the face which he had dreamt of countless times, he swallowed, “do you love me?” his heart was palpitating rapidly in his chest as he asked her; as he would in his dreams.

Finn could see the surprise in her eyes and that was what he loved about her. She wore her heart on her sleeve and at every new discovery, he only found he loved her heart even more. He saw the split second during which she gazed across his face, as if to assure herself, before she said, her voice clear, her answer ringing definitively, “yes. I love you,” his chest expanded and he felt infinitely lighter. He hadn’t realise his entire being had tensed and coiled, waiting and praying for her answer until upon hearing it, he sank into the mattress in relief, “I love you very much,” her cheeks grew pink and he saw the exact moment she frantically began looking for a place to hide. Eventually, she found her favourite spot to hide her blushing face; against his chest.

That’s the answer I dreamt, the answer I prayed for... but she has the right to know. “I am not the same,” he choked over his words, “I'm trying” she shifted so she could peek at him, her lips against his chest, “I'm not sure if I can do more to let you know where I stand, you have to see it“ he hesitated, “I know I fucked up before letting you down“ her eyes grew sad, “I’m a mess, Mills. But... I can't forget you. I keep thinking about you. I can't lose you. I love you. And you're... You're engaged... ”.

"It's alright,” she tried to tell him but it was obvious she had no idea what to say, “I'm fucked up too. Look at me... I got into this mess and now... Now I can't get out of this. And I'm not sure if my heart can trust us...".

“Don't say that, please. Don't give up on us” he cut in curtly.

For the first time, he felt she did not understand, not in the least. But he felt an unexplainable urge to try to explain it to her, to make her understand. It could have been the look in her eyes, open, curious, concerned; it could have been the fact that it is her, “it’s not about what I want, not anymore. It doesn’t feel like something I can control…” he felt a lump formed in his throat as he looked at her. She hasn’t changed at all, still perfect. Then, he wanted so badly to be who he was years ago when he had first met her; complete. But he knew it was impossible.

They both knew deep down the other was the person who completely deserved to be her other half in this world.

“We don't have to talk about this now…” she said softly.

And she still doesn’t get it… “And what we're gonna do?” her face blanked but her body tensed against his. He forced himself to continue even if it hurt him to say these things. They avoided to talk about their feelings way too long, to blame himself and her, both.

"I can't watch you marrying that other dude, your family claws on you, and leave me behind. I love you but you don't believe me. You're really going to marry and close the door for us? You really want that? How can you? I can't understand how you can't see it. It seems like this is a war we can not win if both don't put all of ourselves in it."

She could not hide her wounded look no matter how hard she tried. She recoiled from him. He did not think it was possible for her to withdraw from him so quickly. Neither did he think his heart could hurt more than it did to say those words to her. But as he watched her scoot as far away from him as she could, pulling the duvet up to cover herself, his heart wrenched and he began shaking. She was no longer looking at him and he did not know what to do.

She's thinking about it. That she can't never trust me again. She can't never trust us again. She can't never let her heart on the line again. Try again. Not someone she would want, not someone she could love. Not anymore.

Schooling his face to that of complete calm, he numbly sat up and tucked himself back into his boxers. He picked up his shirt from the floor and pulled it on. Slipping his feet into his shoes he wore to her room, he turned to the door. Millie was still where she was when he turned to wear his shirt, her duvet over her. She was not looking at him but staring down at the bed. Her eyes were strangely devoid of emotion.

“I’m sorry,” Finn rasped out just before he turned and fled from the room. He knew he had to tell her, at some point. But he wondered how it could be right when what he did felt so very wrong the moment he saw the hurt in her eyes.

The moment he came to his room, he glanced to the still made bed to realise he could not remember ever sleeping in this bed. Her bed had always looked more welcoming to him even if it was two floors from his room. His bed in his room simply looked cold.

There it is… you’ve lost her again. She’ll leave… like she did the first time. And like the first time, even if she loves me… she will leave.

Finn pulled on his brown pants and a black t-shirt, grabbed his wallet and left the room.

If she is going to leave… why does it feel like I have left her instead?

He shivered as he stepped out into the cold.