Lose Your Mind-A Dallas Winston Fanfiction

Out Of Sight, Out Of Mind

We live as we dream-alone.-Joseph Conrad, Heart of Darkness.

Dallas POV

Knowing she was back in Tulsa and not looking for me was one of the worst things I'd ever felt. I didn't want to feel as pathetic as I did, but what could I do to change that? Absolutely nothing. I tried to shove it deep down where I put everything else, but I guess I had crammed myself so full that I couldn't even manage to put one more thing down there. I used to always make the hurt go away by drinking until I couldn't think straight, but I didn't do much of that anymore.

Surely, she knew where to find me if she was looking, but she wasn't. If anything, she was avoiding me. I wanted to knock Soda flat for bringing her back. It was easier when she was gone, but now she was back in my veins.

I was an addict, addicted to her. I never needed to shoot up or smoke something, she was the only high I ever wanted. The only high I ever needed.

God, I hated myself for loving her, hated myself for letting her in. I never should have done it, that's for sure. The old me never would have. If you're tough, you don't get hurt. You don't let it hurt. Hell, maybe it wasn't healthy, but it was better than what I was feeling. Anything was.

"You sure I can't get you anything, man?" Buck asked me for the fifth time that night.

I shook my head, rubbing my face in my hands. I knew Buck was worried about me, but I couldn't have cared less about him even if I tried. Sure, I said he was a buddy of mine, but we didn't know a thing about each other and I wanted to keep it that way.

He wasn't like the gang. He wasn't family. I wondered about the gang a lot and how they were doing now that I had pretty much stopped showing up all together. I thought about Johnny and Ponyboy a lot and hoped that they weren't getting into too much trouble.

A couple of guys came stumbling in the bar, drunk off their asses. They were mumbling something about a mugging. I didn't get why they were bothering talking about it, those kind of things happened so often. I didn't understand until I heard one of them mention a girl.

"Hey man, who'd you say got jumped?" I butted in.

One guy turned to me, "You know that crazy girl that ran off to New York? Apparently she's back and the soc's ain't taking lightly to her."

I felt like my tongue turned to lead, and my mind felt like fire. It was the strongest I had felt in months.

"You know how it turned out?" I tried my best to sound casual.

"They got her pretty good, that's for sure. A kid told me they saw her wander off somewhere."

My fists clenched beside me. If I would have had a drink in front of me, the glass it was in definitely would have been shattered. Even if I hated her with every fiber of my being, I didn't want her dead. I just wanted her alive and to be mine.

Another one of them spoke up, "You knew her, right Dally? Wasn't she your girl?"

He's only a kid. Let it go. I told myself.

"Nah man, we fooled around once or twice but that was it."

The lie felt natural. Maybe it never was anything more than that. It couldn't have been anything more. She wouldn't have walked out like that. Of course, my mom did the same damn thing. It seemed whenever people told me they loved me they had the habit of doing that.

"You think she'll go for me? Boy, she sure is a looker." He chuckled beside his bodies.

My fists clenched even tighter, my knuckles cracking under the pressure. "Shove it." I snapped at him.

That was enough to get them to leave me the hell alone. That was all I wanted. I knew the guys had been wondering how I'd been doing, but I didn't bother telling them. They're different than me. Maybe Darry would understand, but he's such a hard ass that I couldn't manage it. I couldn't tell Two-Bit, that's for damn sure. Pony and Johnny wouldn't get it, even though they would try. They're just kids. And I just didn't want to talk to Steve. So, that left just myself to talk to and I wasn't in any condition to be doing that.

When I spoke up my voice was shaky, "Hey Buck, pour me a drink and keep them coming."