Why can't it be me?

Dancing on my own

      I've liked my best friend Jack for years now. He's tall and handsome, but most definitely not gay. Don't get it wrong he's not against gay people, he knows I'm gay, but he's as straight as a line. He may even be straighter than that.

    He recently got a new girlfriend, her name is Amanda. She's gorgeous and she's definitely a catch, he would never take me over her. A lot of girls drool over me but Jack? He would never, he sees me as a little brother and a best friend.

      Ok, enough about my obsession with my childhood best friend, let's talk more about what's happening right now. Today's just a normal day as any other. The only difference is any place me and jack goes that Amanda girl follows. I get she's his girlfriend but why does she have to be literally everywhere? She keeps complaining about me but I can't say anything back she's all like 'Oh my gosh babe why does he have to be with us?' it's so annoying.

      We're just sitting at lunch and like normal everyone is staring at us. People have some weird obsession with me and Jake. I hate it when people look at Jake like that "Hey Ezra what's with you? You keep making weird hand motions and glaring at people." Jake says pulling me out of my inner dialogue "Hm? Oh sorry, I was just thinking to myself." I responded, "Ooh is there a lucky guy you like." He winks at me nudging my arm and making me flustered "No." I say lying, I hate lying to him "Come on, just tell me who it is, I know your lying." He says nudging me again "I honestly don't like anyone." I responded lying once again "Okay whatever you say, but if you do you should tell them. After all, it is pride month." He said not trying to pry the answer out of me anymore. 

     Hmm... Should I really tell him? I mean it takes so much to not so what's the problem in doing it? Maybe I'll do it later, yeah that sounds like a good idea. 

Time skip

      Later that week I decided to go tell him. I went over to his house and entered his parents greeted me as I walked inside. I went upstairs towards his bedroom I stopped for a second trying to reassure myself. After that, I opened up the door only to see Jake making out with his girlfriend. No surprise that that happened but still I stood there in shock. Then Jake saw me and I ran out crying, his parents tried to stop me to ask what was wrong but I didn't stop. 

      I sat on his doorstep thinking to myself about why I thought this would be a good idea. I mean I probably love him more than she ever would. Why can't I be the one he takes home and kisses? Why can't I be the one that he looks at with love and care? Just if he felt the same way. That girl has no clue how lucky she is, she has the most handsome and kindest person on earth tied around her finger. I wish I was that lucky, but I never could be. 

     I walked home in sadness and sorrow. I know make saw me but did he see the tears? It feels as though there are razor-sharp blades inside my heart. It feels as if someone is ripping me limb by limb. I could say so many other metaphors for how I feel right now. The only thing that can make me feel better right now is dancing, so that's what ill do.

     I get home and walk up to my room breaking down when I get there. I grab some beer out of the fridge to drench my sorrows in. I only drank two bottles and I'm already drunk and I'm an absolute mess. I put on some stilettos, I know it's not very manly but I own a pair. 

     I put a song on that explains exactly how I feel right now. I put on 'Dancing on my own by Calum Scott'. I danced around my room dancing and singing to the song. I know once I wake up I won't know what happened. But I know the pain of seeing that will be remembered. Just if I could forget that. 

     You know that saying 'A drunk mind speaks a sober heart.' I wish that wasn't true because while I was dancing in my room alone someone knocked on my bedroom door. I opened it to see Jack, I swayed around drunk as could be "You reek of beer, what's going on?" Jack asks "I'm not drunk, you know you look really hot." I say drunkenly "Wow, you really are drunk." He said to himself "I'm not drunk, I can prove it." I leaned against Jack "Woah man too close." He pushed him away "I love you!" I said yelling "You're really drunk you should sleep." Jack said slight concern in his voice "Ugh fine!" I said and I fell asleep, Shortly after Jack left. 

     The next day I felt awful as I woke up and instantly memories of what happened fled to me. I kept my composure to not cry as I got to school. School was more boring than normal. It seemed as though Jack was trying to ignore me, I'm not sure why though. He might just be busy with that girlfriend of his. 

     Maybe I should try telling him again, and actually tell him when he's not with Amanda of course. Maybe I can during lunch, she said she was sitting with her friends' next lunch. 

Time skip to lunchtime

      I sat down at our lunch table confused why Jack was avoiding me "Jack what's up with you?" I asked "What's up with me? What about with you." He said sharply "Jeez sorry." I said turning back to my food "I'm sorry it's just what you said last night." He responded calming down "Last night? What did I say." I said confused "You said you loved me, is that true?" He said slight anger in his voice everyone turning to us "Um... Yeah." I responded "What?! I'm leaving?!" Jake said angrily walking away.

    That caused me so much pain that I ran home where I felt safe breaking down. Ever since then, he hasn't talked to me. I never expected him to act that way. I wish I never told him the truth about that. To this day ten years later I still regret it.