untold feelings of mine

The Love That I Don't Deserve

I was bleeding a lot, deep inside my heart. I was trying to believe men and not generalize them all into one conclusion. I experienced many shits after my first love's absent, my papa. though I own many scars and though I voice out my traumas loudly, I wasn't really traumatized as my sound. I keep trying, to get love, to be loved, to be in pure love.

him I thought the one who love me purely, was shattered my heart into pieces. I was too blind, to notice the smallest thing of his switched attitude. I was too blind, to re-think his absence. I was too blind, to know that his love to me is just temporary, and fake. I was too blind to know, that he places his last love—before me—deepest inside his heart.

how he asked me to change my style, to dressed up like this and that, to behave like this and that, and to think like this and that. all preferences went from unknown root. to me who innocently thought that it's just his saying. to me who stupidly realized that he still in shadow of his ex.

that was hurt. to know that I was played by a man who still love his ex more than his recent girlfriend. I was hurt, but he cares more to his ex's small accident. I was sobbing talking with him who didn't even try to calm me down and keep looking at his ex. that was the time I realized he didn't even take a sight of me.

I was his replacement. when his ex gone, he has me, as his second option. what's hurter than being a second option? yes, to be in relationship with a man who still love his ex endlessly. I was in that shit, to be in someone's second option and knowing his endless love to his last lover. at that moment after we broke up, I keep asking. Is this the love that I wanted? no, absolutely not.

He didn't give any apologize, even a glance of his regretful look. that's hurt, that hurts me so bad. do I deserve this? do I really have to receive all this mistreatment of my all-out effort? I was hurt and being a victim, but he played the reverse card to make me guilty. why do I have to suffer horrible?

He didn't repost my wishes on his birthday, but he went out with his ex. he didn't ask how my day was, but he made sure his ex smiles brightly. he didn't care to me at all, but he healed his ex's scars. he didn't tell me any of his days or his family, but his ex and his mom hanging out happily. he didn't ask why I cried, but he wiped his ex's tears gently and drive her home safely.

he made home for her using me, and I did nothing but ask them to get back together. I'm the one who leaving. leaving the house he made to her, without asking anything for my sacrifices. I heal my own wounds alone. to quietly staying in my zones and not getting any disruption from anyone. but I'm wrong.

I thought making them back together was the best decision, but all are false. his ex went to me, asking for a real meeting in real life out of his seeing. that drove me back to the first question, do I deserve this? I let him go but his ex withhold my hand thightly. it's hurt. to be grabbed with the root ur scars. with the reason of your tears. though I'm bleeding, I didn't ask any questions. I left, for the second time. for the thing I shouldn't be in.