I've never had "friends", I find everyone I've met or been around , I annoyed them or they didn't really like me for me . When I was younger everyone kinda knew me as the random girl- just around , not really a friend . Then growing up and moving to a new province , in a small school. I was destined to have one friend because she was the only other girl in my class. Maybe she's a true friend , but sometimes I feel like I could just disappear and no one would notice . Sometimes we reconnect and then go silent again . Never really catching up lately either . I'm in a weird place and maybe she sensed it ," stay away" is my vibes I've been giving off. I know because I've been flaking on almost all my friends , I'd say A is the one I havent been so distant and bland to .
M , I've always just ignored or dodged.
I , she left me because I was bringing my mellow drama into her life ... When I was going through a really hard time . Since this is a randome thought book I'll just say it , the father of my child was accused of watching bad porn , I'm talking bestiality , pedophelic types of porn. And I was lost because I caught him once watching porn while our daughter cried to have her diaper changed . I just feel so taken advantage of and left alone. I've been going through the most fucked up shit for the past 5 years .
Grandma
Baba
L
A
Baby
Everyone's going ... And I just can't take it anymore. I was forced to make a hard decision at 16 and it still haunts me sometimes . Especially since I have an amazing daughter here with me . I just feel like I could've been a good mom , if I wasn't scared to do it alone. And even now I guess that's some of the reason why I stay , I don't want to do it alone. I don't think C is a pervert towards our daughter. But I know I gotta go get my own place , break up with him and move on. I just need atleast some of my money ive spent on him back . 3000$ . I need it back man , it would help me and baby leave . Find us our own place , we will have our own place to call home . Til then we live with her dad. I know what I said earlier is fucked up and maybe I should have stabbed him when I caught what I caught him doing.
I just dong think I could , I don't have it in my body or soul to kill . I also think about how I have no place at my mom's anymore because of my little sister .
Sometimes I feel like my family just lost the ones that loved me .
L .
Baba.
Grandma .
Skippy .
Diesel .
Baby .
All these beautiful beings , just gone . I can't even fathom the thought of doing this whole life without my sister. But I have to , watch my daughter grow up without her auntie L .
I have to push through this sadness my family has because of her suicide . I have to help us somehow.
I wish my other little sister K , didn't hate me . Everytime I walk into a room with her around , I feel the hate vibrating off her . I feel the negative hopes for me just shaking me .
If looks could kill , I'd have been dead long ago .
I don't even know where to start with my heart aches with my daughter's dad as well.
He lied to me about who he was , til I was just passed the date for the 'no more abortion deadline'.
I found out about his porn addiction, the hard way . Thousands of videos , even only fans . I just couldn't even process he was buying nudes and watching porn to jerk off to while I was sick , home alone , he could've helped me in the mornings but he left super early so I wasn't awake. 430 he'd leave. That's 2 1/2 hours of porn and jerking off. I feel so disregarded.
I was pregnant with his child , sick as fuck and couldn't eat. All he thought about was seeing other,and PAYING to see other women naked , shaking their ass, taking dick. Like FUCK . He made me feel worthless , after making me feel safe and sound and beautiful for a long time before that. I hate the way I gave him the power .
The power to demolish my self esteem .
The power to end my self love journey and how far I came from the group home. I hate that I fell in love with him at 17. I hate that I let him have me like that at such a young age . I'm about to be 21 now and I can't even imagine ever being with someone so much younger. He's 7 years older than me .
I can't even believe it.
I didn't see his ways before and it was so clear.
I should have just kept walking.
