lovely | thirteen reasons why

(3) clay has the tapes

Tyler and I's relationship was never cut and dry in the beginning. Nothing ever was for me and I tried to avoid the stupid cliches out of fear that getting attached would create unrealistic expectations.

For example, I wanted to fuck douchebags and those are the kinds of people who would never even think to finish you off. The only exception to this was Jeff who took the time to make me feel as delicate as a flower. I never felt judged with him. But this also came with the downside of almost catching feelings for the bastard and him catching feelings for me. I couldn't talk to him for the rest of the year as a result.

I didn't want that to happen again, to lose more friends because I wanted to fuck a good guy and feel good about myself in the process. So I opted to only be friends with virgins or stick to my old friends like Justin and Bryce.

This was why Tyler didn't scare me. We weren't fucking and if things went the way I wanted that would never happen. Because I was scared to admit I was becoming comfortable in his presence. He was becoming a spot of calm for me. So he was a very good friend. Nothing else could happen if he knew what was good for him.

Sure, he did have a crush on me, it didn't take a rocket scientist to know that. My solution was to remind him of our status as friends. I'd help him take pictures of the school and myself whenever he wanted to, and he'd watch me play. I think I might be the only person from orchestra in the fucking yearbook. And that fact needs to stop giving me butterflies.

I will admit that things have been changing for me. There's a warmth in my chest whenever he's around and my body always seems to relax when he's near. I can't control my feelings, but I can control how I act upon them.

We were in his dark room. I was snooping around in his folders to see some of his work. Most that I could find were from pep rallies and school events. He was good at his job, wish I had motivation like that.

"Do you like them?" I heard from a distance.

I smiled. "Of course, sweetie. You've got a gift." I ignored his blush at my words. He was always so easily flustered with me.

Once I was done looking at that folder, I grabbed another from the stack, but before I could open it I saw a hand land on the page. How fast did he move? "That's more personal. Um-can you choose a different one?"

I looked at him very confused. He has never been secretive with me. "Okay?"

He tries to change the subject. "Do you-have you-are you doing anything tonight?" He was also shaking really bad.

I shrugged. "Not particularly."

He gulped. "Would-would you.....fuck." Running a hand through his unending curls.

I sighed. "What do you want to ask me, Tyler? I don't bite."

He tries again. "Would-would you-do you want to maybe go see a movie with me?"

I blinked several times as I started to get worried. "I don't do dates, Tyler. You know this."

"It wouldn't be a date!" He rushed out. "Just a hang out between friends. Except instead of school we're at the crestmont."

I raised a brow at his statement. "Why do you want to?"

He gulped. "I just wanna spend time with my.... friend. That's all. What's wrong with that?"

Everything. Because movies equal date and date equals relationship. That is not an equation I work under. Especially not with him. I can't risk getting any closer than we already are, and even this is pushing it sometimes.