My Thoughts

Mood loading: Empty

The time i fell seriously sick was hell and I could only think of one major thing

My inability to be able to talk to a friend i made online

He is a real loner and an anime fan like me with a really perverted side that he only shows me. He lives on the other side of the world but hey i can dream right. x_x

We talk about random stuff and every time he says something that makes me laugh or says something really deep, i feel my heart twist and in a short while an online boy became this girl's closest friends. I would never tell him tho, he will now get a bigger head than he already does. The thought sends shiver of fear down my spine.

And i guess i am also special to him or maybe not because he doesn't like people and regards them with the eyes of a bored onlooker and me having met this pitiful - not really T-T - scrap of human i decided to be there and even when he is deliberately trying to push me away i push back and we are - or were - whatever the fuck we were cos we can chat from night till morning but this guy remembers sleep so I'm not sure bout shit

Are you lost cos ion no what am explaining to you again

But back to when i was sick

ok so he wasn't at the forefront of my mind as i was sick but hey i don't love him at least i don't think so and the idiot keeps telling me i love him. I mean its not like i love him i just dunno how to explain my feelings for the idiot

But it matters not because on the day i was at the highest point of sickness, the day i nearly met my ancestors (i was hallucinating and saw Beast Boy from the Teen Titans reaching for me, don't ask *-* ) was the same day this nigga got a girlfriend. Yay

I keep telling myself I'm happy for him, so why do i feel this hole in my chest, if i was in love i should be crying and rolling on the floor in misery right?

So WHY WHY am i not, does it hurt too much?

Doesn't it hurt at all?

I think so.

I feel so.

I feel numb.

I don't know how i feel but i cant tell if i actually feel or I'm forcing myself to feel but the ache in my heart is all too real.

Explain to me please what is happening to me

I am in the middle or more like end for me of a life changing exam, should i be grateful that this came up when i only have one paper left to write, cos i mean it was inevitable right?

He lives in another state,

 country,

 region.

Far detached from each other so no chances of anything right but i had hope because  i believed his words,

don't get me wrong he doesn't make false promises its just some of the things he says that catches me of guard and makes me believe in destiny and love.

He was everything that i needed

he was so annoying in such a way that leaves me flustered and making me act so tsundere because he could and no one else could and when he says stuff like that i shy away or run from them because they give me the weirdest feelings ever

He's not perfect believe me, in fact i feel sorry for his girlfriend she can keep his depressing ass. Imagine dating THAT i wouldn't wish that on my enemy yet i want to be the only one with his ass, it is fine. The one time i told him that he teased me into the next millennia, it was so embarrassing.

We still talk but not as much because i don't want him to enter trouble with his girlfriend, she's his first girlfriend, the virgin. She told him about her feelings and he accepted them. He was so happy narrating it to me that i couldn't show any hint of my feelings and teased him appropriately like buddies do.

But i have now lost my closest confidant, but by choice, i tell myself I'm protecting his happiness but am i just being a coward?

am i really doing it for him or ME?

So many questions and not enough answers *sigh*

Guess I'll deal with it like i always do with everything

ALONE