Be Still My Broken Heart

Forever?

We find her, curled on the floor, broken. Wailing to the point her voice is unrecognizable, distorted by despair and grief. Who knew heartbreak was a physical feeling? The unrelenting intense pain, and yet.. Hollowness that emits from where her heart was once whole. Now shrapnel in her body, cutting through the fibers of her being.

Soulmates. That was what they were and yet if that were true, why would he be severing this bond? She doesn't know how long she has been screaming, her loyal companion curled around her like the eye of a tornado as if they're trying to save her from the absolute devastation.

Nothing can save her; she calls her best friend, her safety net, the closest thing she has to a sister. She chokes out:

"Please come get me."

"Where are you?"

"Home."

She doesn't sound like herself; how could she when her soul is not whole anymore? Everything is glazed over. Alien.

Home.

But was this really home anymore? Home has never been a physical place for her; it has always been with him, for more than a decade. A beautiful wedding, a new place and five beautiful pets, two wonderful families and a lifetime of memories. This was her forever, at least it was supposed to be. Speeding home to spend time with him, to help patch the strain of the last few weeks. Instead of excitement, anxiety, like walking into a car crash.

She had guessed, aware of the distance and coldness put in place during the last few months. The look on his face had confirmed her greatest fears, the ones she never would have believed because this was them; this is the end.

The end of her home, the fear that she's also losing her best friend, her soulmate. Her first of so many firsts and her only love; he speaks but it's not a mistake.

"I love you, but I'm not in love with you anymore."

Nothing feels real, this can't be right.. It is the end.

The end of her.

Her best friend finally comes, she walks to him praying that he'll change his mind, praying that this is a mistake. The two of them have always communicated so well, it was a strong point they were both so proud of in the relationship. What has happened to them? They were "end game". So excited to get old and senile together and face the years as a team, just as they always have. It's like walking through a nightmare seeing their future dissolve and she asks just for one last kiss, one last physical embrace, hoping to install the love she has always felt and always will feel back into him. Waiting for his heart to glow, like hers always had around him. Not understanding when that had changed.

Stumbling outside she can't make her legs work, she crumples in the street right before the car door. The only thing spurring  her forward is her best friend getting out of the car and trying to march up to the house and confront him. Outraged by the state they found their loved one in, they've never seen her so broken. Her mom is on the phone, trying to talk her forward; they also couldn't recognize their own daughter's voice from the guttural sounds that her body had no choice but to let escape.

Days felt like months of dread and despair, no food nor drink could be consumed. The closest likeness is that Twilight book, where Edward leaves Bella and all of the chapters are blank, with just the months as the header. She used to guffaw at that part of the book, how pathetic could she be to be so affected by the absence of Edward. She never thought she'd understand that consuming numbness. Just bleakness faced her, he consumed all thoughts and feelings. Betrayed, abandoned,uprooted, unwanted, unworthy, and unloved is all she heard. Retracing the note that had been written for her to read. Read as he sat across from her in tears, read as she comforted him for breaking her heart. Trying to read between the lines of her life and the years and months and days that have passed them; the seconds and minutes and hours that made them who they were together and apart.

"Be cold" is advice she had heard, but her large heart could not accommodate the words, to see the one you love hurting is one of the worst labors to bear. She would fight the Nemean Lion, the Hydra and Heracules himself to end her loved ones' suffering. Yet she is the one left alone, finding it hard to find a way to fight for herself; how could she? Without him the skies are bleak, the water is frigid and the air sour. Days of tears she could spare no more water for, limbs that felt out of sync and a brain that wouldn't shut off. Her solid and empathetic support system around her, she started to feel strength and love and look into the therapy that she knew was needed..

On the one week mark of the fall he finally comes home, but is it home anymore? He talks the same and walks the same, he even has that same mischievous glimmer in his eye that she loves so much. But everything is dampened, sadder; you can feel the suffering he's gone through. All you want to do is comfort him, take it all away and mend him with the broken pieces of your heart. Wrap him up in your arms and tell him it's going to be okay, wanting to scream at him to love you again and take the pain from both of you. Start anew, just like the beginning, with the innocence and laughter, the silly games before life got hard and the world started changing and morphing into the place where hope goes to die. \\

She tries to be casual, they haven't been in the same place for this long since before the end. Her body starts to tremble with emotion and everything feels wrong and out of place. But slowly they start to talk, awkward and clumsy. He had accidentally made their separation public on social media and it felt like a gut punch to not be warned. She broaches that in their conversation asking if he could make it private. It turns out to be a mistake, it wasn't supposed to be public, but now the cat's out of the bag and it feels like it's about to come crashing down all over again. But a few words become sentences, the sentences become jokes and just like that it's almost too easy. He's always been the one her soul burns for, and even after all of the heartbreak, that hasn't changed. Her heart warms at the familiarity of them. Us.

Maybe it's time to start at the beginning again, maybe it's okay to hope for better days together as husband and wife or even as friends. The sting will fade over time, because time heals all but you'll always have your best friend, the one who gets you the most, makes you laugh the hardest and keeps you up while you're falling. If together isn't possible now, maybe in the years to come they'll find themselves, and you'll learn this new version of you. This one that has gone through the toughest storm and sailed the roughest seas, out of the blue. She'll be strong,brave and resilient. Beautiful, kind and caring all the while loving everyone in her life with the pieces of her heart that's still mending; on this journey being the hardest trek of their lives. Along the way maybe also finding the reason you fell in love in the first place.

Maybe she can still hope, maybe her dreams will be realized, maybe for once everything will go in her favour at the end...

After all she does love, love.