Safe and Sound: The Short Memoir

Chapter 4: Eyes Open

When 2023 first began, I tried to manifest a year of healing and strength. After the hell I went through the year before, I felt good about the new year. I was going to hold a lighter heart. I was going to keep my head high. I was going to bury this hurt and pain so that I didn't have to fall into the deep depression I always get pushed into each year. I was going to find a man who loves me and I'd finally be able to experience the teenage love that I've longed for since I was a little kid. I was going to be the most creative I've ever been. I was going to write novels, music, and films, I was going to go heavy into all these creative outlets and finally release a work of art I felt passionate about. I was going to take care of myself and my family. I was praying to get good grades and to succeed in every class of mine. I was going to be my most authentic self and be exactly who I am, as well as accepting new and improved changes in my life. I was going to overcome my anxiety and I wasn't gonna hold back. I was going to be okay, but once again, I jinxed it. I was going to experience more suffering, and there wasn't anything I could do to prepare for it.

January was probably one of the hardest times my family went through. I barely had any parents present that whole month. Mom's medication was causing her to become extremely sick to the point she was constantly in and out of the hospital. My dad was working nonstop and wasn't as present as much. Mom wasn't able to do much, she spent weeks in the hospital, While Jenay and I were on our own. We both had to grow up fast. Nurses were treating my mom like she was crazy and weren't able to help much. We had many nights where I heard my mom uncontrollable sobbing from this pain. November was one of the worst months to live through, but January was worse. Jenay and I pretty much lived on our own for most of that month. While trying to catch up and finish my first semester, prepare myself for finals, having to deal with a bit of drama and friends, I could feel myself drowning. There was so much happening then and It felt so heavy to everyone, but especially my mom. We were able to overcome January. It took so much patience and energy to recover, but we did. Never again would I go back to that time. I wouldn't ever wish this even on my worst enemy. The void was active around that time and throughout this year it did get increasingly worse. Depression knocked on my door once again and it took every bit of strength to push her out of our door.

This year has been one of the toughest I've had to live through, and I hated almost every second of it. Fighting for my life to stay awake day after day. Trying to find purpose in life again. Trying to find that one safe path to travel down. I still wasn't able to keep my head above water. I keep falling in and out of this depression and It's harder to escape every time. The currents of this ocean are stronger every time, and I was struggling to swim. If I just gave up and the chains that hold me down, everything would just go away. My reality just isn't as enchanting as I wished it could be. I don't want to do this anymore, I don't have the energy to do this anymore. This will be the last time I have to feel this anymore, so here I take the exit.

I'll be saying goodbye to everyone, the people who caused me so much hurt. To the boy who never left me alone and kept bullying me for my identity, is gone. This trauma from November and January, all gone. I don't have to feel the aftermath of it. Burying something that doesn't seem to die. Burying all this discrimination I seem to constantly receive. This anxiety will disappear, depression will end, and everything will. The sun will finally shine soon.

The chain pulled me down. Eyes closed, seeing a light in the distance. It's over. I'm ready to go through this exit, and then I heard something. Muffled above me. The sound of music was playing above me. Above the water, the music kept getting louder and louder. This pressure over my ears began. Music is getting louder and louder. I could hear the voice singing over the instrumental part. It's one of my favourite songs. It got me through some of those difficult times in my life. Then suddenly it hit me. I'm not ready to go through the exit.

I was going to miss my family. They're already suffering, I can't put them through more. Besides, I love them with all my heart and things are going to get better. I was going to miss a chance at creating art professionally. I was going to miss my chance to meet my future lover. I was going to miss the chance of feeling what happiness feels like. I was going to miss my cousins growing up. I was going to miss my Aunt's wedding. I was going to miss my beautiful dog named Belle. She is my whole world. To see her sad and waiting for me to open my door for her to come lay in bed with me, I won't be there. I was going to miss writing all the future stories that would have helped millions. I was going to miss it all. I'm too young to fall asleep just yet and I can't breathe.

I lose my breath falling to the bottom. I need rescuing but no one's coming. This music is trying to pull me up and these chains are pulling me down. I can't give up, not yet. There is so much beauty within life that I have yet to experience. This ocean I keep having to swim in will eventually drain. I won't let myself lose. Not this time.

I swim through the currents and I carry these chains up with me. This weight is so heavy but I can do this. The beautiful music is becoming louder and louder. I'm finding the strength to reach the surface. The water is becoming clear. I can see the sky. I can hear it. More and more, as I swim through all this pain. I will recover. I will be okay. I'm using everything I have left to pull me above. Swaying my arms to reach the top. I'm so close. These chains start to feel lighter and lighter. I'm almost there. I just gotta keep pushing myself. I got this. I can do this. I see the surface. I swim and swim, and there my head emerges from underneath the water. I can breathe again. I swim over to the shore, where my forest stands. The rainy night sky begins to fall, and the morning sun rises.

And I opened my eyes. I survived. I fought a battle I never thought I could. It's going to be okay. Even with those bad days, I know that as long as I keep going, if I keep my eyes open, taking it one step at a time, and doing the next right thing, I will be okay. When the morning light comes, I know I'll be Safe and Sound.