Play Pretend

Chapter 51

For some people, I guess it is. Some even prayed for it. Pero hindi ko magawang maging masaya para sa sarili.

Na-realize kong hindi ako dinadatnan. I also couldn't recall the last time I took pills for birth control. Nawala na iyon sa isipan ko dahil sa mga nagdaang problema. And the last time I had sex with Xaiver, he released it inside me.

Kinutuban na ako. I was scared all the way to the OB just to make sure my suspicion was right. Ayaw kong gumamit ng pregnancy kit dahil hindi ako nagtitiwala. I wanted the most accurate result, and that's what I got.

Ngayong alam ko na, ngayong kunpirmadonna, mas lalo akong nawala sa sarili. I just lost my mother. I was such a huge mess. I was alone. Ni wala nga akong stable na trabaho para suportahan ang sarili, pagkatapos ay buntis pa ako?

Kagat-kagat ko ang ibabang labi habang mahigpit ang hawak sa picture ng ultrasound. The OB gave it to me as a gift after she confirmed my pregnancy. My baby was just as small as a sweet pea.

I was emotionally and mentally unstable. I was still trying to figure things out. I even forgot how to properly take care of myself anymore. Alam ko sa sarili kong hindi ko pa kayang magka-anak.

Hindi ko pa kayang maging isang ina. I wasn't confident that I'd be able to raise my child well. I wasn't sure if I could be a good mother dahil hindi nga ako naging mabuting anak. Hindi ko alam kung magagawa ko bang ibigay ang mga pangangailangan niya, kung kaya ko ba siyang buhayin, at kung mapapasaya ko ba siya nang hindi kumpleto ang pamilya.

I have nothing to offer. I will only drag her to hell with me. Mahihirapan lang siya sa buhay. The best thing I could do was save her from that suffering. Iyong ang nasa isip ko no'n.

"The entire process will take you three visits to our clinic. You can also expect bleeding and stomach cramps for about two to four weeks." The doctor gave me a briefing about the procedure and showed me the waiver I needed to fill out and sign. "Once you're decided, please read and sign these forms for me. I'll give you one tablet for today and meet you two days later for another dosage."

Ibinaba ko ang tingin sa mga papel. Binasa ko lahat ng terms and conditions nang paulit-ulit. I couldn't comprehend the words written on the paper. Wala akong maintindihan. Parang lumilipad ang isipan ko. Everything was a blur.

Dahan-dahan kong kinuha ang ballpen sa lamesa. I checked the boxes without understanding them and wrote my name. Madiin ang pagkakasulat ko at halos mabutas ang papel sa bawat letra. The last thing I needed to do was put my signature above my name, pero bago ko pa magawa 'yon, I saw a tear fall on the paper.

The picture from the ultrasound flashed before me. My lips parted, and I released the pen from my hold. Sunod-sunod na ang pagpatak ng luha ko. Nanginig ang kamay ko. My chest tightened as it slowly filled up with fear, guilt, and pain.

Hindi ko kaya.

"Miss Bersales?"

Umiling ako. "I'm sorry..."

"That's fine, Miss Bersales. It's normal for our patient to—"

"I'm sorry," ulit ko.

"It's ok—"

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry..."

Tuluyang bumuhos ang luha ko. Nanginig ang balikat ko sa paghagulgol. Pinulot kong muli ang ballpen. Like I was losing my sanity, I desperately scribbled on the forms. Binura ko ang pangalan ko at binaboy ang mga papel para hindi na magamit.

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!"

Hindi pa ako kuntento. Kinuha ko ang papel. I quickly tore everything into pieces, hoping that my child would forgive me if I did that.