Remember Me (Sequel To Tragic Endings)

20. Preface Part 4: Guilty Conscience

Motherfucker...

I actually do.

"Baby, chill," I say wearily, just as I push her further on the bed at the same time, crawling on top of her.

There's conflicting thoughts running through head like a son of a bitch. I'm on some Guilty Concience type of shit.

Before I even know it, I pull my pants and boxers down, tossing them on the floor somewhere, probably landing whenever my t-shirt is at this point. I push Aisha further on the bed, grabbing at her hands that are trying desperately to grab and tag at my short hair. I catch her arms and lock them over her head as my mouth attacks her neck. I don't seem to be able to stop myself at all, but fuck it, this what she wants, right?

Aisha whimpers by the time I make my way down her body and part her legs. I brush my fingers against her slit, feeling the wetness of it, and shudder, thinking to myself, fuck it, no more Mister Nice Guy. Been tryna be that for way too long, and it just ain't me. I'm an asshole.

That's when she says, "I love you so much, Marshall" words coming out of her as a moan as she waits.

Fuck...

She can't love me, can she?

She don't even REMEMBER me. Let alone what I did.

She sure as fuck wouldn't say that if she did in fact remember that shit.

"Goddammit," I mutter, sitting straight up and pushing myself away from her.

Aisha lifts herself up on her elbows, staring questiongly at me. Her mouth drops in a perfect "o" shape and she just looks so confused. Completely unaware of her surroundings as usual. Let's fucking face it, her innocence always killed me.

"What did I do wrong, Marshall?" She whispers.

And it fucking does me in even more.

"You seriously think YOU did something, baby?" I ask her.

I feel angry all of a sudden.

This girl should seriously get a fucking clue. Her being so goddamn naive and trusting, it partly is how she ended up in this situation in the first place. She wanted to believe her bitch momma so badly...

"I don't know what to think anymore, Marshall," she sighs.

Then, next thing I know, she's sitting on top of me, straddling me.

But it ain't sexual this time.

More like desperate. She attempts to grab at my face, forcing me to look at her.

"Just tell me the truth. What's happened with us?" she pleads with me. "Whatever it is you think you did, I can take it!!"

That's what she thinks anyways.

I close my eyes, shutting then so tight, I swear motherfucker is about to go blind.

"Marshall," the tips of her fingers sliding gently against my cheeks.

"Please," she adds.

I open my eyes and stare her down. Angrily. I fucking hate how she can pull on my goddamn heartstrings sometimes. I hate how much of a vulnerable asshole I always become with her. And yet u also kind of secretly love it. Could never separate myself from this girl even if I wanted to.

And yet if I tell her, most likely, she would want to separate HERSELF from ME.

This is déjà vû all over again though.

Don't wanna tell her the truth cause it will destroy her.

At the same time, I'm also realizing that NOT telling her would fuck her up even more.

"Aisha listen to me. The reason I fucking blame myself for what's happened to you is... well..." I fucking hate myself more and more as I say the words. Wish I could take it all back.

"It's cause that night I wasn't there with you to protect you. I was with Kim," I finally blurt out.

She stares at me for a few seconds in confusion.

Then the realization starts to set in. She blinks a few times as her eyebrows slowly pull together and she bites her lip in frustration.

"Kim," she whispers, looking like she's starting to suffocate all of a sudden. "As in, your ex wife, Kim?" She clarifies.

I just nod my head.

"Did you... did you cheat on me with her, Marshall?"

My eyes fly wide open then.

I understand why she would jump to that conclusion, but nah...

"I haven't, baby," I sigh. "I would never do that to you ever. But the fact that I haven't actually cheat don't make it any better. Cause what happened was..."