Can't Ask, Don't Need, Won't Acknowledge

Chapter 32: Vasovagal syncope

“What’s going on sweetheart?”

“Nothing is going, just having a bad day,” said Wanda firmly.

“Why won’t you talk to me?” asked Natasha keeping the same gentle tone.

“I want to talk to Natasha Romanoff,” said Wanda. Natasha looked at her in confusion, “That’s who I am, I mean I know we are using fake identities at the minute, but I’m still who I am…”

“That’s not what I meant,” replied Wanda.

“Then what did you mean?” queried Natasha.

“I mean I want to speak to Natasha and not my mama,” said Wanda awkwardly.

“We are the same Wanda.”

“No you aren’t. Natasha Romanoff wouldn’t be looking at me with a pitying expression like you are. Natasha Romanoff wouldn’t be babying me or treating me like glass,” explained Wanda.

“I don’t pity you Wanda, don’t confuse pity with love and pride,” said Natasha, she took a seat opposite the teenager at the table.

“Pride? What do you have to be proud of? I’m pathetic, I had a panic attack and passed out in a school changing room,” snorted Wanda.

“I’m so proud of you Wanda,” replied Natasha.

“Can I speak to Natasha please?” asked Wanda again.

“Ok,” said Natasha, “If that’s what you need…”

Wanda coughed in response, “Nat, have you ever read Crime and Punishment?”

Natasha looked at her in confusion, but recognised that she needed to change the subject, “I have, why do you ask?”

“Do you believe in moral nihilism?” asked Wanda, she lifted her head up to look Natasha in the eyes, this allowed the woman to see the unshed tears. Natasha knew she couldn’t react to her kid’s distress, it was the only thing she had requested for this conversation. It was hurting her to see her daughter in such pain.

“Wanda, why are you asking me this?” she replied keeping her voice steady.

Wanda shook her head, “No just answer the question.”

“I did at one point, when I was the black widow, when I was the tool of the KGB. I was not concerned with morality,” Natasha answered the question honestly. “It wasn’t my place to question motives or reasons.”

“When did you first question it?” asked Wanda curiously.

“I’m not sure,” Natasha thoughtfully replied, “I don’t think there was a specific moment, more the final straw that broke the camel’s back.”

“What’s more important legality or morality?” questioned Wanda rhetorically. Natasha just let her carry on talking realising she wasn’t actually asking her the question. “I mean the Holocaust was legal but arguably immoral. If it’s not a crime at the time it occurred does it make it a crime afterwards?”

“Why don’t you tell me what example you are thinking of?” asked Natasha keeping her tone even.

“Is it even wrong if I didn’t say no?” stated Wanda in a monotone voice. Natasha’s breath caught in her throat. You could have heard a pin drop in the room. Wanda shook slightly in her seat as she struggled to contain her emotions. “I mean it’s not is it. It’s never simple is it? Things would be so much easier if…. I mean how do you …”

Natasha reached over and grabbed Wanda’s hand firmly. “How old were you Wanda?”

Wanda shook her head, and dropped her chin back to the floor.

“Wanda, answer the question. I don’t need to know anything else. I won’t ask anything else,” said Natasha firmly.

“12,” whispered Wanda, but Natasha heard the response.

“It was wrong,” stated Natasha firmly. “Regardless of any other scenario. It was wrong.”

“You don’t know the circumstance,” explained Wanda. “it’s complicated.”

“No it’s not,” replied Natasha, “You had a panic attack Wanda. Even if you don’t want to admit it right now. You know on a level it was wrong. The way you are reacting now reveals the truth to me.”

Wanda carried on shaking her head, “No I’m just being weird. You know how weird I am.” She laughed awkwardly as she tried to deflect from the conversation.

“No,” said Natasha unwilling to compromise on this point. “Just say it Wanda. You know the truth.”

Wanda stood up from the chair, “you weren’t there, you don’t know the truth. You are just seeing a sad pathetic girl and thinking the worst. You ever think I asked for it? Ever think I deserved it?”

“You were 12 Wanda,” repeated Natasha again.

“So what? I wasn’t an idiot. I had already seen my parents die. I wasn’t a little kid,” argued Wanda.

“You were 12 Wanda,” repeated Natasha. she pushed her chair away and moved to stand next to the girl.

“Maybe I wanted it. Maybe It was karma,” stuttered Wanda, struggling to keep the tears from streaming down her face. Natasha couldn’t hold back any and gathered the girl into her arms, “You were only 12 Wanda,” she kept whispering the words into her ear. Wanda just sobbed into Natasha’s neck, as she was rocked gently in her hold.

“Mama..” she finally whimpered out choking on her sobs.

“Yes,” said Natasha.

“I was abused…” came the whimpering reply.

“I know baby,” was the reply, as Natasha just gripped the sobbing teenager tighter.