She is so used to me leaving the country during the holidays. I would accept any project so long that I wouldn't spend Christmas in the Philippines. That's just how I want it to be. I don't like to pity myself for not having a family to come and bond with. Mabuti nang maalis ang isipan ko roon at magtrabaho kaysa tinitiis ko ang lahat nang mag-isa.
But this time, I want to spend some of my time alone and take a break. Pagkatapos kong matapos ang mga paintings, ilalagay ko ang mga iyon sa isang exhibit, pagkatapos, mawawala ako ng sandaling panahon.
I figured I might have exhausted myself in the past years and I may have reached my limit. Kailangan ko na nga sigurong magpahinga. I'm handling my emotions better now. I think.
"Are you okay?" si Agnes, mukhang napansin ang pananahimik ko.
How do you even answer that question? I am not okay. I know it. Even if I do want to lie and say that I am fine, I know myself so much and I also know that I am not like my usual self—or how I used to be.
Yet because I don't have the energy to explain how complicated my feelings are, I settle with just answering a "Yes."
Hinayaan na ako ni Agnes. May bago akong sisimulang painting.
Kung pwede ko lang bigyan ng solusyon ang nararamdaman ko, ginawa ko na. It's tiring to feel this way and I know I have to move on from a lot of things. How do you really get rid of sadness, anger, and pain? Paano mo ba luluwagan ang kapit mo sa bagay na hindi naman nahahawakan pero hindi mo mabitaw-bitawan? Hindi ko alam.
I thought it was always easy to let go, move on, and live. Hihinga ka lang naman. Magpapatuloy lang naman. But that's what it is. You just breathe. Gumuguho na ang mundo mo pero ang kaya mo lang gawin ay huminga. It's no different from death.
When Agnes found me years ago, inside my room, hopeless, she brought me to therapy. It probably helped me quite a bit. With medicines and therapy sessions, I was able to stand back on my feet a year later. I can't say that I am fully healed. The world still looks too dim. But it was better than years ago.
I graduated college and continued the career I almost lost. Luckily, people took me back. Although, I did gain a lot of negative comments. I don't really mind. Gusto ko lang ipagpatuloy ang mga bagay na gusto kong gawin, sinusuportahan man ako ng iba o hindi.
Dahil sa dumadagsang mga proyekto, sinunod ko ang payo noon sa akin na kumuha ng manager. Si Agnes ang inilagay ko sa posisyong iyon.
After lolo died, she was supposed to work at one of the largest hospitals in the country. Pero nang alukin ko siya nang makita kong nahihirapan siya sa trabaho niya sa ospital, nag-alinlangan man siya ay pumayag din naman.
It's been a year since. Kumpara noong unang taon nang mawala si lolo, I've been better. But sometimes I wonder if I just concealed the heavy feelings, ignored them, and made myself believe I felt better. Because at times when I'm alone, without the distraction of my work, friends, or fans, the feelings of pain and loneliness still linger.
Like this night.
Bumubuhos nang tahimik ang mga luha ko habang yakap ang may basa pa ring pinturang canvas at nakaupo sa sahig sa gilid ng malawak na kama. An almost empty bottle of wine is sitting beside me. I feel slightly dizzy and sleepy. Napangiti ako at lalong humigpit ang yakap sa basa pa ring painting. I guess I can sleep tonight.
Nagising ako kinabukasan na yakap pa rin ang painting. Tumatama sa akin ang sinag ng pang-umagang araw mula sa terasa ng kwarto ni lolo. I gasp and I try standing up. Agad na sumakit ang ulo ko kaya sinapo ko iyon at dumiretso na sa banyo para maligo.
Pagkababa ko ay si Agnes kaagad ang naabutan ko sa sala, umiinom ng kape.
"You have a full schedule today. I made sure to make an appointment with—Why is your face so puffy?" Naibaba ni Agnes ang kapeng iniinom at sinundan ako ng tingin.
Chapter 25
Start from the beginning
