"I love storms," she murmured, burrowing her face into his jacket. He put his hand on her head and petted her gently. "I know you do."
"It's weirdly peaceful. I don't have to listen to my own thoughts anymore because the tan and the thunder drowns them out." She sighed. "I like it when my brain is quiet."
She looked up at him, curling her fingers around the shirt hem by his neck. "You make my brain quiet. Did you know that?"
He chuckled. "You're in a poetic mood. How do I quiet your brain?"
Rain splashed against the window, and a crack of lightning lit up the dark room. She hooked her leg around his, and he cradled her in his arms. "Mm? How do I quiet your brain, sweetheart? Tell me."
She smiled into his chest, the skin of her cheeks enclosed in the warm bubble he created.
"I don't have to use my brain when I'm with you - it's really refreshing. I was watching a video today on YouTube, it was just some dudes talking in a car. They were making jokes and using big words, but the *wrong* big words, like it wasn't exactly what they meant. I realized I was catching those mistakes, but the other guys in the car were still laughing at the joke and having a good time. I got hung up on something that didn't mean anything at the end of the day, and that kept me from enjoying what could have otherwise been a really funny video."
He tilted his head to look down at her.
"I just. I realized I care so much about things that ultimately don't matter. You know?" She looked up at him, eyes glistening.
"You tend to do that, yeah," he whispered, coaxing the tears down her cheeks with his thumb.
"You don't need me to be smart to still like me. It's. Really sweet. I need someone like that in my life."
He smiled, and touched her nose with his. "Something else is on your mind. Tell me," he murmured, cupping her face in his hands.
"I started to wonder why I care so much about what word some guy uses wrong, some guy I've never met before, who doesn't know me from Lisa in Accounting, right?"
He nodded, gently resting his cheek on her head.
"I think I've always used my intelligence, a positive trait, to justify things about myself I don't like, which are negative traits. Like, 'I may not be pretty or desirable or funny, but at least I'm smart, so I have something about me that's worth paying attention to - I'm smart, so people can be friends with me even though there's nothing else good about me.'"
"Oh honey."
"I was sitting in my room, alone, watching this video by myself, and I hate myself so much that I had to *prove* my intelligence to myself. I had to prove to myself that there's something about me that's worth liking."
She cried now, tears flowing slowly from her eyes.
"And even my intelligence is annoying. I like those dude's videos, I'd want to be friends with them if I could. But if all I did was correct him on his grammar, and tell him that he didn't mean to say offer, he meant to say produce, he wouldn't want to be around me at all. And honestly...neither would I."
She looked around the dark room as thunder and rain and lightning rioted outside. She was alone.
"How am I supposed to love myself when I hate everything I bring to the table?"
