A Shot in the Dark (Thilbo - Bagginshield)

Chapter 44

"You're right. I am very selfish and self-absorbed," he agreed, nodding. "I'm also a manipulative liar who was willing to sacrifice the world just to keep some Dwarves alive. I'm far too secretive and independent, and I never really think about the consequences my actions would have on the people around me. But... But even though I'm all of this horrible stuff, it doesn't mean that my feelings aren't genuine. I truly love you all very much, and would do anything to keep you safe."

"If you love us so much then you need to quit trying to kill yourself," Glóin said, dropping his braid and meeting his gaze head on. With a jolt of surprise, he realized that Glóin had the same blue eyes as Thorin and Fíli and Dáin. He had never noticed that small detail before.

"I... I promised Dori I would do better," he said slowly, blinking and tearing his eyes away from Glóin's gaze. "I promised I wouldn't throw myself into battles recklessly, and I won't gamble with my life so easily anymore. Would it help if I made the same promise to you three?"

Bifur grunted and signed, 'Yes, it would.'

"Then I promise that I will no longer be so careless with my life," he vowed without hesitation. "I will be much more cautious in the future."

Bofur raised his brows and shared a look with Bifur. "You say that pretty quickly. Wasn't it just a few months ago you were vowing to save us at all costs? What changed your mind?"

Bilbo shrugged. "My original goal was always to keep you all alive against Smaug and in the battle with Azog. I knew what was coming so I could plan for it. But now? Now I'm as blind to the future as the rest of you. I only have an outline of what may come to pass. I can no longer throw myself in front of a sword because I don't know when that sword will strike."

Glóin scoffed and rolled his eyes. "Still not hearing the part about why you decided to linger in the land of the living."

"I was getting to that," he reassured, casting the Dwarf an annoyed look that earned him a small lip twitch. With a little more coxing, it would be a smile. "I decided to fight for my life for once because I'm finally in a position where I may be dying."

The three Dwarves tensed.

'Thorin said your soul and body tainted,' Bifur signed slowly while using the simplest words. Bilbo felt a surge of fondness for the Dwarf when he realized it was for his benefit.

"Óin said something similar," Glóin added slowly, his face shifting back into a scowl. "He wouldn't tell me the details but he didn't say you were dying."

"You said 'may be dying.' You don't know for sure," connected Bofur.

"Right. Gandalf says there may be a way to save me, but I'm not sure if it will work," he explained. "If that doesn't work, then my death is imminent. Knowing that makes living suddenly much more important."

The three Dwarves exchanged a look that he couldn't read before Bifur suddenly moved forward and pulled him into a bone-crushing embrace. He flinched slightly at the grip, but still returned the hug just as strongly.

"Does this mean I'm forgiven?" he asked, peeking out over Bifur's arm at Glóin and Bofur.

Bofur grinned his dimple-grin that made something tight in his chest finally relax. "We forgive you, Bilbo, for being too dumb to take care of yourself."