A Shot in the Dark (Thilbo - Bagginshield)

Chapter 32

Bard never wanted to be a hero, but being a good father was one dream he didn't mind.

~*~

"It's snowing," Tauriel announced with all the enthusiasm of a Man walking to the gallows.

Bard gave her a slow ovation. "Great observational skills. Anything else you would like to point out to us? Perhaps that the grass is green? Or that Bilbo has no self-preservation?"

"Don't drag me into this," Bilbo said as he dug through his bag for warmer clothes.

"I think we should take shelter. You lot don't take to cold very well," Beorn suggested as he held one hand out to catch the falling snowflakes.

"Don't be stupid. If we couldn't survive the cold, we would have all died out long ago," Tauriel replied, rolling her eyes.

Beorn did not seem convinced. "Sweetheart, you're wearing two layers of clothes at the most. The bunny here is barely pulling together one, and don't even get me started on the puppy with his ripped coat. You're all going to freeze to death in an hour."

"Why do you argue with me?" the Elf asked, glaring at the bear.

"Because you're lovely when you glare at me like that," Beorn replied with a toothy grin.

Tauriel's eyes became two slits of hazel. "Really? Then I wonder what you'll think when I push you into a volcano…"

"As long as you glare at me while doing so, I'm fine with it," the shape-shifter reassured.

"I feel uncomfortable listening to this. Do you feel uncomfortable, Bilbo?" Bard asked as he stared up at the sky.

Bilbo shook his head and continued to dig through his pack. "I'm deaf. I cannot hear any of you."

"Now don't be jealous, puppy," Beorn chided, giving him an exaggerated patronizing look. "Our lady is lovely and we all know it."

Bard grimaced and shook his head. "I'm not jealous, thanks. I prefer Women who don't have the chest of a twelve-year-old boy."

Bilbo finally paused to stare at his friend. "Why are you looking at her chest, Bard?"

"Because when I first met her, I didn't know if she was male or female," the fisherman admitted without a hint of shame.

Tauriel suddenly became very still and silent. Beorn—because animals were good at sensing danger—took a step away from her and moved so that Bard was between them. "Are you calling me a Man?"

Bard—because he was clearly a fool—shook his head. "No. I'm just saying that you Elves all look very delicate to me—put your bow down! It's not an insult!"

"It is a common problem with Elves," Bilbo pointed out as he finally gave up on his quest for warmer clothing. "It can also happen with Dwarves if the females are wearing armor or thick clothing."

"You know, somehow, none of that statement made me feel better," Tauriel growled though she did lower her bow even as she continued to glare holes through Bard's head

He rolled his eyes and stood up and swung his pack on. "It wasn't supposed to. Can we go now? We are wasting valuable time standing here."