Selfish Loveletter of Dreams

Escape

Things have to change

If not now I can already see that things will surely stay like this until the day I perish. So, what's the plan anyways? Well that's just the thing I don't do plans. Not one plan or set schedule has ever worked for me for longer than a month and that's a record, not an average. So the plan is to be impulsive, fuck around and find out as they say.

Let's start with something simple, I know I wish to escape reality but where is it exactly that I'd like to go? What even lies beyond reality? I know I'm not trying to be in purgatory, the land between worlds, I wish to go somewhere else entirely. A different Universe you might say. The one thing I know is that if I go to a place where everything is perfect I will have surely ended up in Hell. Without conflict, without pain, without struggle, nothing and I mean NOTHING would ever feel good again. Nothing would be worth living for. I know it all too well, I've lived it my whole life, why else would I be so desperate to leave? There's just no balance here.

I apologize this is just a mess of thoughts and an idea for something more. I should introduce myself, my name is... oh right... everywhere I go I tend to use a different name, different personalities even depending on who I'm talking to. I fear judgement from people, constantly molding myself to please others and I swear it's never enough. My name, what a troublesome question I really don't how to answer.

You can call me Author as I am the author of this read and you'll surely forget me soon enough anyways.

You'd like to know about me? How peculiar, most people are usually so preoccupied with themselves they have no time to even 𝙜𝙡𝙖𝙣𝙘𝙚 in another persons direction. I've very rarely met anyone with the perfect balance either as it's that they're full of themselves or they care so much about other people that the idea of looking at themselves for once is extremely foreign to them. I'd say I'm closer to the person who doesn't recognize themselves in the mirror than the pretentious self admirer but I strive for a balance.

You need not worry about who I am, this story may be about MY hopes and dreams but that doesn't mean who I am contributes to any of it. I wish I could get to know you instead as I find people some of the most interesting creatures on this planet. Not to say that I myself am not human but more so to say that I feel so very different and disconnected from everyone that anything anyone does or says truly is a mystery.

I think we've learned enough about each other so far I mean we're running out of time. We need a plan to escape and we need one now.

Where am I?

I looked around my room and knew exactly where I was is never where I wanted to be. All sorts of ideas came into my head about the consequences that leaving might entail. Why I could be kidnapped, arrested, killed, lost forever but I can't let these menial things hold me back for the rest of time itself. We hear stories about it all the time, about how you shan't ever regret anything once you reach your death bed. We hear how so many preach and preach about how we should never be like them because of the terrible mistakes they've made and choose not to listen. History repeating itself over and over and no one ever learning their lesson.

One of those lessons being something I'm fighting in this very moment, being too afraid to try. The fear of doing something new and delving into a path you've never gone before. That's just the thing though, I'm afraid of the very thing I've been trying to run from this entire time. Reality, the cares and worries all tied with being a perfect member of society. To care about what you eat, how you look each morning, the things you say and do that leave certain impressions onto other people.

I've had extreme anxiety over the perceptions people see of me for a very very long time. I feared sometimes that even if a breathed the wrong way I'd surely be hated for a life time. The longer the life I live I realize how little I should care about such silly things. The only way to learn is if you mess up at some point, it's like they say the master has failed a 1000 times more than the student to be good at what they do.

How do I finally let go of all this nonsense?

To let go of all this meaninglessness at once.

To leave this place once and for all.

I'm too tired for this but when am I not? It makes no sense, I do nothing all day and yet it feels like I never have energy to do anything. Yet another excuse in the sea of thousands I've made before. All I've done so far is rambled, I'm done. I don't care. I need some sleep, I'll return to you soon.

We'll get out of here.

𝐓𝐨𝐠𝐞𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫.