Flame // hs

seven

Ember had fucked it up.

She couldn't focus at all during the study group, checking her phone for texts from Harry but finding it very unusually empty. Her throat felt tight as she remembered how something she said had changed his tone, his slightly hurt face taking her back.

He wasn't usually a very serious person. Harry was goofy and silly and so funny it often made her swoon, even when he was being sweet he had that puppy eye and dopey smile on his face. He was never one to just leave and she knew she had fucked it up- but she wasn't sure if what she thought was the reason, was.

They weren't dating. As much as Ember wished they were, as much as it felt like it, Harry hadn't mentioned anything about it and she had tried to set a mental separation so it wouldn't hurt as badly when it ended. She was in love with him, utterly fucking smitten, and she had gone into this stupidly thinking that she could avoid that. Even with the tiny crush she had on him, she thought perhaps having sex would let it out of her system.

It did the opposite.

Ember was spending nights with him, cuddling and kissing. Getting far closer and emotional than any friends with benefits should. She blames it partially on the fact that they had been such good friends for a while before they even started fucking around, that it had blurred a line since they'd already been close. It felt like a relationship, but it wasn't. It wasn't official. And Harry wasn't really a relationship type- he hadn't been in one in 2 years. He had hooked up with quite a few people, as did she, but this just felt significant.

Long fucking story short? She was terrified.

If he didn't feel the same way, if he felt like this was just sex? It would crush her. It already felt like she was crushed just by how he had left their studying early and rejected hanging out. Her body felt small and cold and she tossed and turned in her bed, trying to sleep but the way he had abruptly left made her stomach ache all over again. It had been after she reminded him they weren't dating.

But that wasn't it. Was it? Was it jealousy? Annoyance he couldn't come and she was ditching him again for the study group, anger at her talking to the guy? He had never said anything about them dating.

She just felt like an idiot.

Now she couldn't sleep. She had a final in the morning and it was fucking important, and she couldn't sleep. The one day she needed to. The bed felt even more empty and uncomfortable. Even the days they'd been spending apart with the studying had been way harder than she had let on. She had made it out to herself that it was good to have space, trying to hide that she was missing him so terribly it ached in her chest. She felt almost in denial, thinking that if she gave herself some space that her feelings would subside a bit.

That wasn't how it worked, unfortunately. And she feared that Harry was feeling her pushing them away as pushing him away- which wasn't the case. It was a sticky, irritating mess that was now impacting her sleep schedule.

It was 2 am and her brain wouldn't shut off. Her bed was so cold and empty and her room was too quiet. There were no soft snores, no groans and no arms reaching to pull her closer to his body. No legs fighting their way to tangle with hers. No one to complain to that he was hogging the blankets or his legs were fuzzy against her own. Ember had worked so hard to try to push the feelings of loving him away that now that the walls she had built up came crashing down, it was almost suffocating her. Like she was drowning in this weird guilted love that she had perhaps fucked up by getting defensive with him instead of just coming clean. Right now it felt like it wouldn't be okay. He hadn't texted her a real goodnight, hadn't sent a cheesy pick up line, hadn't done anything she had gotten so used to it had become second nature the past month.