Untitled for now

Adriana -present

" is it Me?"
I hear the weakness in my voice and I don't recognize myself . How quickly we go back to our old dynamic . I've spent years building up the self esteem that the turbulence of this relationship had broken . I mean I was a super model for crying out loud . I walk runways . I'm plastered on billboards.I turn down the advances of wealthy successful and even famous men almost daily . Not to mention I had just been kissed by a really great guy just the night before . Now here I am questioning myself  in front of the one man who just loves to get under my skin .
" Of course it's not you babe . You're perfect .it's me . You know it's me . I want you so bad but not like this . I haven't seen you in so long. I don't even know where you are emotionally. Where we are emotionally. We should talk things out before we go and "
I cut him off . I have had enough of his self deprecating bullshit that he uses as an excuse to fuck with my head and make me feel like shit.
" you want to know where I'm at emotionally ?" I ask in a calm manner that I see surprises him , I'm sitting up and removing his shirt as I speak. I don't even care he gets a glimpse of my bare breast . What does it matter anymore ? He doesn't want me . Shocker .
His eyes follow me around the room as I find the clothes I wore the night before and put them on . I put on my shoes as I composedly continue.
" Emotionally I'm starting to heal . Yeah you put me through a lot when we were younger but I think emotionally I'm doing pretty great . I'm really into this guy . His name is Joel . You probably saw me with him last night at Secrets. We had just come back from the back alley behind the club . We had the most amazing kiss .In fact  if we weren't interrupted I think I might've let him
" stop that . Fucking stop that right now " Jared says and his voice is suddenly hard and stern . Back to the dynamic where he's talking to me like a child .
" stop what ?" I ask in an innocent tone ." Stop telling you how I was about to get fucked against a wall behind the club last night ?".
I literally give no fucks anymore as I put my handbag on my shoulder and stand up to leave .
There's silence then a loud bang and the sound of glass breaking . My mind barely registers what happened when I noticed the bedside lamp is on the floor . I see Jared rubbing his hand . He must've hit it to the ground .
" oh you're gonna destroy your hotel room ? How rockstar of you " I say. My voice is tough but inside I'm nervous he might've cut his hand on the lamp . My mind is already thinking of what the hotel room would have that I could clean and bandage him with .
" why are you doing this ? Why are you trying to hurt me " he says and my heart sinks . I'm about to apologize when a voice in my head brings me back to reality . Why are you doing this to him ?
He's the one who showed up out of nowhere ,put his dick inside you , then rejected you . Again ,
" you think I'm trying to hurt you by what ? Moving on with my life ? Not hanging around waiting for you to stop fuckin everything in sight and come sweep me off my feet ? You experienced two whole seconds of discomfort of me talking about another guy while I open up a tabloid and have to see you with other women all the time ! "  the image of him with the most recent blond fills my head and I'm so furious I laugh ,
" I mean this must be a joke ! You coming out of the blue to say you want to talk about my emotional availability? Next time save the trip and send a text . Also put some alcohol on that cut ".
With that I head to door swing it open look back at him once and leave . I don't slow down as I hear him calling my name . I skip the elevator and start to head down the stairs so fast my personal trainer would be proud . I'm out into the lobby and back on the street not knowing how long he called after me and not caring . I'm not the same person he can just emotionally manipulate anymore. That girl is dead .
  I barely remember the subway ride back to my apartment. I finally get in and collapse on my bed . Not before pulling out my phone and sending a text .
Hey Joel ! I'd love to see you again . How's tonight ?