Untitled for now

Adriana

What am I doing ?what am I doing ? what on earth am I doing ?
I repeat to myself as I pace back and forth in the hotel elevator . I've already went up to the 12th floor , the one his room is on , and back down to the lobby twice . I keep thinking I'll make a move . Either get off at the lobby get in the next cab and go home . It would prove to myself that I'm not still hung up on him . It would prove to him that he can't just show up out of nowhere and except me to come running .Or I could get off on the 12th floor , knock on his door , and find myself in his arms . Id breathe him in and remember just how much his embrace feels like home .It has been so long since we've been alone together . I wonder if the hug would turn into more . Would he touch me ? Let me touch him ? Kiss him ? Being alone in a hotel room after months on end of built up tension would surely be the perfect recipe for a big Glorious mistake .
I notice my breath has sped up and even feel my nipples start to harden beneath my shirt as I continue to let my mind wander with thoughts of what could happen .
  My thoughts are interrupted with the sound of the elevator bell . The doors open to the 12 floor for the third time and a couple making out with each other is standing in front of me . The girl opens her eyes while still in the kiss and pulls away when she notices the elevator door is open .
" no don't stop " the man says and she laughs and pulls him into the elevator .
" we can't just make out all night babe ! Let's just meet our friends for one drink and I promise when we get back to our room well spend the rest of the night doing more then kissing " she responds and they return back to their make out as the elevator begins to go back down .
I definitely missed the moment to step off the elevator because I was completely distracted . The couple literally didn't even notice there was another soul in the elevator with them . They were enthralled with each other  and it was captivating . It toke me a moment to realize why I couldn't take my eyes off of them until it hit me . The way they were kissing reminded me of the kiss I had earlier that same night . The kiss with Joel .
Immediately the voice of reason began to take over . Look at how happy this couple is just to be with each other. I want that . I could have that . The kiss with Joel tonight was amazing . It felt like we couldn't get enough of each other . I feel it in my bones that Joel is a great guy and someone j can see myself with ,
At the same time the couple reminds me of me and Jared . The way sparks would fly when we kissed . The way it felt like we needed to be even closer when he was inside of me ,Of course I'd love to be making out in elevator with Jared . Of course I'd love to be with him but who am I kidding ? Whether I go up to his hotel room and entertain whatever it is he has to say the outcome is always the same . We'll never be together because he'll never get over the disapproval from my family . Why am I going to continue to waste my time and energy on something that will never be ?
The bell rings that we reached the lobby and I get off the elevator before the couple even pulls away and realizes I was there at all . I begin to fast walk towards the exit of the hotel .I'm ashamed I even showed up here to begin with . It's time I stop letting this man have so much power over me .
    When I get outside I pull my phone out to text Jared and let him know I won't be coming and maybe I'll tell him to fuck off while I'm at it . Maybe after that I'll text Joel and see if wants to see me when he gets off work . Maybe we can continue what we started earlier in a place where we can go even further .
" Adriana ! Hey wait up "
There goes the bell again letting Jared know I'm getting over him and signaling him to come fuck it up .He just walked out the hotel entrance and did a slight jog to the middle of the sidewalk where I had stopped to text .
" how did you even know I was here ? You know what ? Doesn't Matter I was just leaving " I say with an attitude. My thoughts have me all worked up and I'm stern in my decision to leave . I make sure to avoid eye contact knowing damn well one look in his blue eyes will have me wavering .
" I didn't know you were here at all . I thought you weren't coming being that you never even answered my text. I was just about to come to you "
" so let me get this straight Jared . You and I don't speak or see each other for almost two years . You broke my heart last time we were together and made pathetic futile attempts at checking up on me in New York and now you show up after stalking my location and inviting me to your hotel room which I'm refusing to come to and now you were going to what ? Show up where I live ?" My voice is louder then I wanted to be but I don't care . His audacity angers me to the core and the smirk on his face right now literally makes me want to punch him .
" what ! Why are you smirking like that " I yell my hands turning into fists .
" it you're refusing to come to my hotel then what are you doing here ...at my hotel " he says still with that stupid confident smirk ,
"I'm not in your hotel smart ass . I'm outside your hotel because I have decided I'm not going up . Yes stupid me was going to come see you but after doing some thinking my common sense is back . My common sense says to stay away from you so I'm going home and no you are not coming " o say and even stomp my foot before dramatically turning around to stalk off .
I feel a firm grip on my elbow before I'm being swung around to face Jared . I'm inches from his face and the direct eye contact that I was trying to avoid is now right in front of me. His blue eyes study mine moving fast and the look in them stuns me . He looks so sad.
" Adriana look I'm sorry ! This isn't the reunion I was hoping for . I don't want to just intrude in your life but I fucking miss you , I was so sure that you'd miss me too that I didn't realize showing up in your life would make you this upset . I thought it would make you ....happy ".
I'm immediately filled with guilt . Despite what we've been though jared is one of the most important people in my life . He supported me when no one else did and in some ways is why I am where I am today . Yes he broke my heart but before that he was my best friend . I should be happy to see my friend shouldn't I?
" it's not that I'm not happy to see you Jared this is just a lot to take in . " I say softly . There's so much more to say but it feels like all at once the night has caught up to me and I'm suddenly exhausted . I don't want to be standing in the street in the middle of the night arguing with him or anyone .
" I see that now . You look exhausted baby " he says as he brushes a piece of hair behind my ears.he then kisses my forehead and pulls me against him . My head immediately rests on his chest in reaction and his hand begins to caress the back of mt head . We stay in silence because in that Moment nothing needs to be said . I'm angry I'm exhausted and I need comfort and he knows exactly how to do it .
" let's get you inside and in bed . We can talk or not talk tomorrow but tonight you seem like you need some rest and honestly so do I ." He says as he continues to caress my hair .
The weight I feel lifting off my shoulders is almost alarming. My mind filled with thoughts of anger and confusion soon begins to empty with and replaced with thoughts of how good and familiar the event of Jared is . His arms feel just like I remember . I'm instead filled with memories of being in these arms . Being in his arms when I got my first modeling gig and he was the first to congratulate me . Being in his arms when I thought I was failing biology in high school . Being in his arms afger a blowout fight with my brother . The memories are all different but the feeling of comfort is always the same. Being in his arms always has and always will feel like home.
I'm not sure how long we stay like that but we do eventually separate . The separation only lasts long enough to go back into the hotel , up the elevator and into his room , during the process of me changing into his shirt and washing my face , and finally returning back to each other in his bed . His arms are placed around my waist from behind and I run my fingers across his knuckles . We've slept in that position countless times when he use to sneak into my room while having a sleepover with my brother . We knew we could get caught but it always felt worth it . The sense of comfort was worth the risk . I drift off and have the best sleep I've had in two years .