Shades of Kagan

Chapter 44

I laughed at myself when I heard her voice while reading the letter she left me. Nailagay ko ito malapit sa may dibdib ko at hinayaan ng tumulo ang mga luha ko. Here I am, crying again because of halmeoni's death, in front of Kagan. Without speaking a word, Kagan moved towards me. Getting my head and pulled it to his chest. He was holding my head while letting me cry at his chest for the second time.

"I know that this day would come. The first time I became her reliever, I know that she doesn't have enough time." Sambit ko sa dibdib ni Kagan na hanggang ngayon ay umiiyak pa rin.

"Pero hindi ko pa rin naihanda ang sarili ko. Halmeoni was so good to me that I almost believed that she was my mother." I cried thinking about her.

"I know, I know. She was the only adult that we could trust and talk to." He said, caressing my hair. Even Kagan knows it too.

"I learned a lot from halmeoni. I think I was able to live like this because of her." Sambit ko pa. Because halmeoni's words were based on her experienced, that's why the impact was so different. Her words are now curved into the deepest chamber of my heart, even the unapologetic smile that she used to give. The grief I was feeling was strangely familiar. Maybe because this is what I felt when my father left and when Emma died. The grieve only highlighted when it was triggered.

I don't know how many minutes have passed, and we're still in that kind of position. Kagan and I stayed still, commemorating halmeoni's death. I didn't mind clinging to him because I would lose my balance if not. It was my third time losing someone important to me. First was my father. Hanggang ngayon ay hindi ko na alam kung nasaan na ito ngayon. Second was Emma, and I really took it personally. And now halmeoni. Yet, I witnessed Emma's death, how she fell into the cold sea, how she cried for help, and how I turned my back on her. Nanikip ang dibdib ko dahil dito. This time, I want to ask for Emma's forgiveness. I wanted to detach myself from the things that were hurting me. And the first step to do is to recognize them.

"I think she's satisfied and happy wherever halmeoni is right now. Because she lived a happy and contented life." Kagan muttered. His voice is deep and even. Kagan is almost near to tears. Pinipigilan niya lang itong tumulo. Kagan's height towered me.

"Feeling better?" He asked in a low intimate tone. Tinanggal ko ang aking mukha sa kanyang dibdib.

"Why is it so comfortable to cry in your chest?" I retorted and started to remove the excess tears on my face. For sure, my face is red for all the crying.

"Maybe it's sturdy?" His voice sounded a little light.

"What if," I just saw myself starting the what-if game again.

"What if?" Kagan asked as if he were telling me to continue.

"What if halmeoni saw her husband again in heaven?" I said, looking upward. The sun shone brightly.

"Maybe they are now continuing their love that was put on hold." Kagan's presence soothed me. But I don't know if he was answering my questions or trying to lift my spirits.

"Do you believe in love, Kagan?" I suddenly asked, realizing that I was too direct as usual.

"I do." He said shyly. Kagan looked at me and then turned to his left hand. Back to me again. His shyness, the defense he made towards me, enabled me to let out a small smile.

"Oh, okay." Umiwas ako sa kanya ng tingin at tumingin sa kaulapan.

"Do you have anything to do?" Napailing ako dahil wala naman akong balak gawin ngayon. I was planning to stay in bed and think. This day has been hard for me— for us. Halmeoni will forever be part of me. She will be remembered.