Shades of Kagan

Chapter 41

"What are you trying to say, Cane?" His lips curled as his nostrils flared with anger.

"I was in love with you back then. Damn it!" Nagtaasan ang balahibo ko sa sinabi niya. Lalo na at dumagdag pa ang ihip ng hangin.

What?

I frowned when his teenage image flashed into my head.

"Do you think I was in a mood for jokes, Liam? Do you think I am easy?" May galit na sa boses ko. I admit I was taken aback by his words, but he can't fool me.

"If I think you're easy, Avian. Then I must already told you my feelings back then. Sa tingin mo ba ay aabot tayo dito kung ganon?"

"Stop—"

"Hear me out. Just hear me out, Avian. Gusto kong sabihin ito sa'yo dahil matagal na itong naipon sa akin. I don't want to drag this out a little longer. I no longer what to live with what-ifs inside my head. I no longer want to live with regrets! I already have Lovely in my life, yet I still want to say this to you. So I can finally breathe properly." He swallowed hard, like everything wasn't easy for me. Yet, he's here in front of me. He looked decided and determined. Hindi ako nagsalita at hinintay lang ang sasabihin niya sa akin.

"I tried confessing my feelings to you many times already, Avian. I don't know when it started. Maybe when you asked Teacher Flora about your question about God's existence. There's a curiosity in you that you want to satisfy. You amazed me, Avian. Whenever you are stuck on something, you'll go to me and ask for my help. And I was glad. Dahil ako ang nilalapitan mo sa tuwing kailangan mo ng tulong sa tuwing may hindi ka naiintindihan sa klase. I want you to always bother me because, in that way, I see myself as helpful."

Yes, of course. I remember those days when I constantly asked Liam for help. He was such an angel to me, helping me with everything.

"I was afraid to tell you my feelings because I want us to stay that way. Natatakot ako na baka kapag umamin ako sa'yo ay magiba ang tingin mo sa akin. Kaya tinago ko na lang nararamdaman ko sa'yo, Avian. Not until you started to avoid me. Napatanong na lang ako sa aking sarili kung bakit bigla ka na lang umiiwas sa akin? I thought at first that if you already noticed that I liked you? Nahalata mo ba ang pagkagusto ko sa'yo kaya ka umiwas? I don't know. I was a coward that time so I avoided you too." He suddenly stop. He is near to tears. Nagsimula ng lumambot ang tuhod ko. I need something to grab on or I will lose my balance.

"But why are you always looking at Emma when I'm looking at you, Liam? Lagi kitang nahuhuling tumingin kay Emma! That's why I thought you liked her. You even kissed her in your roleplay. And the flowers on the music performance, you gave Emma a bouquet of flowers. I saw it, Liam." I laughed bitterly when I reminisced about those moments.

"I was actually looking at you, Avi. Kaya ka napapatingin sa akin ay dahil nakatingin ako sa'yo. It's called scopaesthesia. It's where you detect that someone is staring at you by extrasensory means. At sa tuwing titingin ka na sa akin ay agad kong ibabaling ang tingin ko sa katabi mo. Sino ba ang madalas mong katabi sa tuwing naglalakad ka? O kaya sa tuwing kumakain? It was Emma. You two were inseparable. And the kiss! It was just an accident. I leaned over to her too much that I lost my balance." He let out a sarcastic laugh.

"I was standing at your locker and almost put a silly love letter inside when Emma caught me. Hindi ko na naituloy ang ginawa ko dahil nahuli ako ng kaibigan mo. I got embarrassed, but she told me she would help me confess my feelings to you. If you ever caught us talking with each other, it was because we were talking about how am I going to say my feelings. I was so excited when you played the piano in the music performance. Bumili pa ako ng bulaklak dahil doon ko na napagdesisyunan na umamin sa'yo. I know bringing flowers was corny, yet I still want to do it. Pero bago pa kita makita ay sinabi sakin ni Emma na umalis ka na. Pinahawak ko muna ang bulaklak kay Emma dahil pinagpapawisan ang kamay ko. I was drying my hands with my towel when we saw you putting a lot of snacks inside your bag in front of your locker. I was caught off guard when I saw the pain in your eyes that night." He turned his hand into a fist. His voice started to get rough.