The Attic
＊＊＊
"when did you first notice these intrusive thoughts?"
"i don't know.. they just showed up one day."
"mhm. and you've never acted on them?"
lie.
"no."
"are you having them now?"
lie.
"no."
"do you want to hurt others?"
"no."
"what about yourself?"
"no."
"Richard, these sessions will go nowhere if you keep hiding things from me. i'm here to help, not judge."
"i'm not keeping anything from you."
"mhm" more writing, "then has the medication been helping?"
"helping how?"
"with the bad thoughts, self harm, psychosis episodes.."
"i guess you could say that."
"..."
"what?"
"i'm not sure if i can help you anymore."
blood. pain. skin. rushing water. Eddie—
i clutch the empty sheets and sit up quickly just to wince in pain and fall back into the bed. the memories of yesterday flooding my brain as my side aches. i run my fingers down my side feeling the stitches and a cream glazing my skin. the sun coming through the window makes my eyes throb.
i hate these dreams. i know that it's because of what i've been doing. i'm my own worst enemy in a sense. and i know i can't stop, i've gone too far. how long will it be? until the consequences catch up to me?
i sit at the edge of the bed and hold my head in my hands. the guilt of bringing Eddie into my mess rips at my chest. why do i care so much about him? i thought i had lost my heart completely until i saw him. it's like his smile and his angelic voice reconnected the wires in my brain. for the first time in a long time, i care about someone whole heartedly. it's hard to admit these feelings, and part of me thinks i should stay away, preserve his beautiful innocence. but i can't. why? i want him to be mine so badly, to protect him from the world and be his savior. but what if he's mine? what if he's the one thing that could ever get me to stop my ways? i've never felt guilt or shame for my actions, but the mere thought of Eddie knowing who i truly am tears me apart.
i try to shake away my thoughts and stand up to go find my savior. i stumble as i still feel dizzy from last night, but i make it to the end of the hallways in time to lean on the wall and close my eyes. it smells warm and savory, i can't bring myself to open my eyes and find out what it is though.
"what are you doing out of bed?!"
my eyes shoot open and suddenly i'm being lead to the couch, he ducks under my arm and i lean on him as he sits me down. his hand touches my forehead and he inspects the stitches.
"your hot, let me get you some medicine."
i listen to his footsteps come and go as i lean my head back and rest my eyes. i'm so tired, i can't even feel the pain in my side or the heat that radiates from my skin.
Eddie comes back with two pills and a glass of water, "drink all of this," he pushes my hair out of my face as i drink the water, "you're at least getting your color back."
