Shades of Kagan

Chapter 18

"Kagan!" The lady said and cried in front of me. Her hands were placed on my shoulders as she pulled me into a warm hug. That was my first time being hugged by someone. It gives a warm and soft feeling, but I didn't know how to react, so I stood silently. Gusto ko rin ilayo ang sarili ko sa kanya. I am filthy. I don't remember the last time I showered. But she seemed like she wasn't bothered by my filthiness. Isa pa, hindi ko alam kung sino ang tinawag niyang Kagan.

"It's me, I'm your mother." She said but she kept on crying. May isang lalaki ang pumunta sa aming pwesto at ngumiti sa aking nang malaki. He was near to tears but he tried to hide it.

"Welcome home, son." And that was the first time I cried. There is hope, after all. I couldn't believe my eyes when they said they were my family. I wasn't convinced. Only when I see someone in the car having the same face as me. Unlike me, who's filthy, he looked like he was pampered for years. He's wearing nice clothes, something that I've never worn in my entire life. Nakatingin lang ito sa labas at hindi ko alam kung nagugustohan ba niya ang kanyang nakikita.

"That's your twin brother Klaude."

Growing up, I was nameless. Four years ago, I learned that my name is Kagan Grimaldi, so I have been using this name up until now. I was seventeen when I finally reconciled with the Grimaldi Clan.

Biglang tumahimik ang kabilang linya ni Reus na para bang pumunta siya sa tahimik na lugar.

"Have you ever tried going to the doctor? The one that I recommended to you?" Reus asked, and I told him not yet. Why would I go to the hospital? I don't have any plans to go there. I don't want to admit to myself that I have issues. Going there means I am admitting to myself that something is really wrong with me.

"Kagan, you have to." Pagpipilit nito sa akin. It's been months that Reus persuaded me to go to the hospital. Hanggang ngayon ay hindi pa rin ako pumupunta.

"Why don't you tell me what's wrong with me?" I said with frustration.

"Nasayo pa ba ang business card na binigay ko sa'yo?" I nodded my head even though he can't see me. Somehow, I kept the business card of the doctor he recommended inside my wallet. Nagtataka na rin ako sa sarili ko kung bakit hindi ko pa rin ito tinatapos hanggang ngayon.

"I'll book you an appointment." That was the last thing Reus said before the call ended.

When I put back my phone inside my slack's pocket that's when I noticed that I have bruised on my right knuckles. As if I punched onto something. Hindi naman ito masakit kanina pero ngayon ay nararamdaman ko na ang pagasakit nito.

How did I hurt myself? I tried pacing back and forth in the room. This is getting out of hand. I looked at the black hole painting again. This time, I kicked the painting rack, and it fell on the floor, making a loud sound. Napaupo ako ulit sa sahig at napatungo. I guess I really have no choice but to visit the doctor that Reus has been talking about.

There's nothing much to know about me. I see the world as white and black. It's all I can see. I live in that world, even though I often felt like I didn't belong there. My story wasn't pleasant. It's far from a harmonious and wonderful story that is invented by writers or novelists, whatever you call them.

As much as possible, I want to live my life according to what my true self is saying. But why is it so difficult? To live, to laugh, and to plainly exist? Is the world is made just for sufferings?

I clenched my hands into a fist. There's anger building inside of me. There's a quick, sharp pulsation throbbing in my body. Mad about myself, furious about the world that has been cruel right from the start.

Suddenly, the door opened, and it got my attention. From there, I saw Avian walking with hesitation inside. Dahan-dahan niyang sinarhan ang pinto.

"Kagan..." She called my name, the warm tone of her voice melted the anger I was feeling moments ago. Wala akong balak tumingin sa kanya nang tawagin niya ang pangalan ko. Pero nakita ko na lang siyang umupo sa may harapan ko. She told me that her shift in the hospital just finished and she was back here to get her wallet.

She must be shocked to see me in this kind of state. Kahit ang buong office ko ay magulo. I don't owe Avian an explanation, but she looked like she was not asking for one. Thank goodness, because I don't feel like talking right now.

"Are you okay?" Her eyes wavered when she looked down and saw the splits on my right knuckles. I tried opening my mouth but closed it again when I couldn't think of an answer. I heard her sigh, but what caught my attention was the bondage she got on her left arm.

"I don't know," I answered. Dahil nakapwesto siya sa aking harapan ay may pagkakataon akong pagmasdan ang kanyang mukha. Avian has a heart-shaped face, a snub nose, and lips shaped like rose buds. Her hair was now worn loosely. There's always seriousness in her expression, and her eyes have always been empty. Maybe, that was the reason why I was drawn to her. There's a calm energy that radiates from her despite her seriousness. Whenever she's around, everything is easier. I first saw her at Reus's house. The second was at the university. The third was at the hospital when she threw a shoe at my back. I was in a bad mood that day and snapped at her. I should've apologized for snapping at her when I met her again at my studio, but I couldn't bring myself to apologize.

I never really had a real conversation with Avian Burn. All I can tell her is the phrase I don't know. What else can I say? There's nothing to say.

"Do you have plans this midnight? Sleeping, perhaps?" I shake my head. Dahil sa nangyari ngayon ay mukhang hindi ako dadalawin ng antok. Avian stood up and extended her hands to me. I stared at her extended arms to me.

"Good, because sleep is not on my list either. Come on, Kagan." I hesitated if I was going to touch her hands or not. And when Avian noticed I was not moving, she didn't remove her extended arms in front of me. She waited, and when I accepted her hand, she looked relieved.

"Let's go," she said, and I had no idea where we were going, but all I did was follow her. Avian was walking before me while I was following her at the back. I can see the shape of the back of her head right now.

Avian Burn. I am sure I've seen her before, but I don't remember where. But I am glad because somehow I know it is my memory.

I no longer ponder why Avian seems to have a soft spot in me. It doesn't matter if I have just known her for days. After all, she was the only person I felt comfortable with now that I am living as Kagan Grimaldi.

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