Paradox - Rafe Cameron

four

Sage Adler

"You wanna tell me what happened back there?" Rafe asks me from where he's sitting on his bed.

I'm sitting on the floor at the edge of the bed, facing the door. For the past ten minutes, I've been slowly taking in his room, trying to ground myself. This is real, I'm really here. In Rafe's room. My eyes travel over the pictures on his walls, the poster on the back of his door, the books in a stack on his desk. His room is really nice, actually. Not exactly clean, but I didn't expect it to be. Not that I ever expected I would see Rafe's room.

He actually has some posters of artists and bands that I like. Led Zeppelin, Arctic Monkeys, David Bowie, The 1975. He doesn't seem like the type to listen to them.

"Adler," He says, this time louder. I just zoned out for a second there. I still feel weird.

"Why were you at Barry's?" I change the subject and he sighs.

"Probably for the same reason you were," He retorts in an accusing tone. I roll my eyes. "Except I didn't even get my shit because you were too busy flipping the fuck out. So what happened?"

Do I even bother telling him? He'll probably throw it right back in my face, telling me I asked for it, or I probably imagined it.

I stay silent for about a minute, debating what to say. Do I lie? What could I say that would explain why I was acting like that?

"I..." I start and then trail off. I don't feel like I can trust him with this. Why would I? But I feel like I need to talk about it, to say it out loud. I've never talked about this with anyone, not even JJ.

"I won't tell anyone if that's what you're worried about," Rafe says, sounding sincere. I can't tell if he actually is or not.

I stand up from my spot and turn to him, moving to sit on the edge of the bed. I look at him and he looks right back at me. I'm searching for something in his face, some sign to stop me from telling him, but I can't find anything. He's looking at me, not through me. He's listening, waiting for me to say something, anything. I take in a small breath and let it go.

"I went to Barry's to buy from him, obviously. It was gonna be quick, in-and-out. But when Barry went to grab my stuff, this guy that was there came and sat by me. Like, directly next to me. He tried making conversation, but I wasn't having it. And then... he put a hand on me and starting moving it up my leg. I don't know, I freaked out. It reminded me of..." I stop myself from sharing too much. I'm looking at him as I speak, but I can't sit still, so I'm pulling on my fingers and bending them just to keep them occupied. "I saw how it was gonna play out in my head, and I just froze. And then I grabbed my shit from Barry and got the fuck out of there. But I felt like I wasn't there, like it wasn't really happening or something. I wasn't there. I couldn't... I don't know. I just freaked out over nothing."

"That's not nothing," He snaps at me, and I flinch. "Sorry. Sorry, I don't know why I said it like that. That's not nothing. He was a creep, that's a totally valid reaction."

My mouth drops open a little bit in shock. That was the last thing I expected him to say. I quickly shut my mouth and avert my eyes, focusing instead on the lamp sitting on his nightstand.

"It's not just that. I mean, that's part of it, but uh... something like that had happened before, but worse. When I was sixteen. And I felt the same way that I did back then, and I was seeing it replay in my head, and I couldn't move. I got scared," I shrug and look back to him. His eyes are on his hands, he's fidgeting with his ring. Suddenly, he looks back up at me.

"You were raped?" He asks, and it feels like the breath got knocked out of my lungs. It feels too real when he says it out loud like that. Straight to the point, I guess.