Wedding Crasher (Wilmon)

Pain and Guilt

(Sunday, 21.05.2023)
*6 days till the wedding*

𝕊𝕚𝕞𝕠𝕟

Darkness.
Everything was black. What time? I don't know.
The last few days I didn't leave my room. I barely did anything else than sleep, eat and overthink.

Redoing the same routine everyday.

I couldn't get the picture out of my head.
Her arms around his neck and her lips pressed against his. Against the lips from the man I loved.

I didn't think that it would affect me still after all these years, but it does. Seeing that I'm not the one with him breaks me. It destroys me.

'Why did I had to fall in love with him back then? Why did I had to fall in love with the crown prince of Sweden?'

I could blame him for being so charming and caring, that would be the easiest way, but I know that it wasn't only his fault. It was my stupid heart and my pathetic mind to think, that it would work out in the end. Let's be real, nothing in life works the way we want it to. It always drags us down somehow. It's just like chess, you think you finally won by making a smart move, but then you see that you didn't pay attention to your own king.

It's crazy how you can get attached to one person and how you try to do everything to make them happy. You only start living for them.

I was laying in bed overthinking everything again.

'It wouldn't have worked out between us anyway. He was the King and I'm just a pawn. He got the high ground and I got nothing.'

With every minute I thought about it, the pain inside my chest kept growing. I didn't know what to do with so much pain inside me, so I did what I did best.. I wrote a song to distract myself.

I got my keyboard and started to move my fingers over the keys. It reminded me of the time me and Wille were in the music room, back when everything was okay.

Starting to hum a melody the lyrics started to tremble out of my mouth.

'It's 2 A.M. in my room
Headlights pass the window pane
I think of you

We're a crooked love
In a straight line down
Guess you wanna run and hide
But it makes us turn right back around

I wish you would come back
Wish I'd never hung up the phone like I did
I wish you knew that
I'd never forget you as long as I'd live

And I wish you were right here, right now
It's all good
I wish you would

2 A.M, here we are
See your face
Hear my voice in the dark

I wish we could go back
And remember what we were fighting for
Wish you knew that
I miss you too much to be mad anymore..'

I didn't notice that I started crying while singing but my tears started to drop down on my hands, stopping me to play along. I put the instrument away and curled myself up like a ball, my head in my knees.

I stayed like this for about an hour before I finally stopped. I don't remember when I last cried that much in a week but it was a while ago.

It is kinda scary how much power he still has over me. No matter what he does it always affects me in some way.

Not wanting to think about it anymore, I put on my headphones and clicked on my playlist.