"Only when I really need her." He says, a little defensive. "Work has been really great with giving me time off and with giving me projects I can work on from home but I still have things I have to do. Until I can get her into a daycare around here, I haven't had much choice but to use a babysitter."
"Right." I say. "Yeah I know."
The line is quiet for a minute between us.
I don't know what to even say.
"What do you want to do, Hayden?" Ben finally asks me.
"I don't know." I admit. "I just got off of the phone with them. I haven't had time to process or come up with a plan yet. I just don't know."
"She's somewhere here in Texas?" He asks calmly.
"Yeah like an hour away from you." I tell him.
"Ok." He says. "So are you gonna go get her?"
I think about this for a long moment.
What do I even do if I do go get her? I pick her up from jail and then what? I bring her back here?
Do I even want her here?
I remember what it was like living with Alice when things went bad. I remember how I was always on edge. Always treading carefully on thin ice.
Always carefully making my way across the battle field, terrified to trigger the bomb that would explode all over all of us around.
Things here have been so peaceful.
I've got a life now. I have friends and a schedule and work. I don't know that I can handle taking her in.
I shutter to myself.
This is so similar to the situation I found myself in when I got the first call about Alice and her baby.
As much as a baby could have disrupted my whole life, as fragile as they are, and as much of myself I'd have to give up to give a baby a good home....
None of it compares to what it would be like to take in Alice. To bring her into my home. Around the people I love. To risk them becoming another casualty of the life of living with an addict.
My friends have led good lives. I could be envious of how seemingly easy they've both always had it, but I'm not.
I'm thankful they've lived without knowing this constant state of fight or flight that lives just beneath the surface of your skin no matter how far away or how long it's been since you have been in the situation that broke you.
I don't want to do it to them.
But I also can't do it to Ben.
I can't do it to Alice.
"I have to get her." I say finally. "Maybe I can talk her into going into a rehab or I don't know...something."
"Yeah maybe." Ben agrees. "Has she been before?"
I scoff to myself. "More times than I can count." I say solemnly.
"Oh." He replies quietly. "Well, you never know. Things might be different this time."
I pinch my eyes closed tightly.
I can hear that same sentiment from my parents. Every time they tried something new or found another doctor.
I can hear even Alice saying, "this is different this time. I really mean it. It is. It's not like the other times. I'm really ready now."
Every time she'd say it.
