Not A Temporary Love | Finley & Harlyn #1

Chapter 31

"So," he drawls, wiping his hands on his thighs.

I decide to jump right in. No use waiting any longer.

"I'm sorry," I say. "I'm so so sorry. I...I shouldn't have yelled. And I definitely shouldn't have said the thing about telling your parents. That's your choice. Not mine." I look down at my hands, twisting my sleeve around my thumb. "I know what it's like to be pressured to do things you don't want to do. And it wasn't fair of me."

There's silence for so long that I almost start talking again, just to fill it. But then he speaks, so quietly I have to strain to hear. "I know. Max told me about your sister threatening to tell your parents." I look up to find him staring at me so intently that I almost shrink. He sees me. All of me. And my anxiety is screaming that it's dangerous. "Also, I knew as soon as you said it that you felt bad. That you wanted to take it back."

I move farther back on my bed, tucking my feet under me and squeezing my eyes shut. "I think I kind of meant it. I mean, I didn't mean it. But...I was scared. Am scared. I thought if I told you about second guessing moving to England, you wouldn't want to be with me anymore. So, I didn't tell you. And that obviously made it worse."

"Finley -"

I talk over him, my words spilling out faster and faster. "And I'm also scared that we're running out of time, that this is all just some fairytale that has to end when I leave in three weeks. And not being able to tell people has made it feel extra like that. And obviously, that doesn't mean you need to tell everyone right this very second. It's on your time and when you're ready. And I'm so sorry I -"

I'm startled out of my diatribe by Harlyn's body sinking onto the bed beside me. My eyes fly open, and there he is. So close to me I almost forget to breathe.

"Love. Stop," he whispers. He stills my anxious fidgeting with his hand, and my entire body wants to melt. For years, it's only been Max that's allowed in my anxiety bubble, the only person I can stand, the only person that actually makes me feel like I don't want to be alone. And now, as Harlyn slides his fingers between my tightly fisted hands and pulls one apart until he can hold it, I realize Harlyn is that, too.

"I'm sorry," I say again, letting out all the breath in my lungs with those two words.

"Stop," he says again, moving his other hand to my hair and combing it behind my ear. "I understand. And I forgive you. I forgave you almost immediately. And I'm sorry, too." He pulls in a long breath. "For snapping about the ISU thing. I was just scared - am scared - that this is just a fling for you. That I'm just a boy you kissed in England once that you'll tell your kids about one day. That this is just a fairytale that will have to end in three weeks."

His words and my words hit me hard. I am an actual idiot. Of course he was upset that I didn't tell him about ISU. We haven't talked about our future since the day Max walked in on us. He said something very similar that day about feeling the day I leave closing in, even though it was still weeks away. And we've talked about my future since then. But not ours. And suddenly I dropped that I wasn't sure I actually wanted to come back to England. That was a big fat stupid mistake, my anxiety making me doubt everything I've ever thought about anything. But it probably felt like I was telling him I didn't want to come back to him. And that's just downright wrong.

"Oh, sweetheart," I mumble, tightening my grip on his hand. "No. You are not just a-a fling. Never. You - I -" I let out a frustrated breath. "I'm an idiot. I'm an absolutely stupid...to let you think that."

He tilts his head to one side. "It's alright."

"No. It's not. I'm so sorry. I've been all in my head ever since talking to my parents. And I've let my anxiety get the better of me, convince me that what they were saying was true. To take the easier way and just go home and stay there. But you were always there. Somewhere. I...didn't know where to put you. Because we hadn't talked about it, and I should've just talked to you. But my feelings about you were never in question. Never."