Somnia | $crim

16. Incubus

September 7th, 2015

This can't be happening. Not to me. Not now.

"Maybe it's because you're old," Carmen added. "Old people's cycles are weird."

Carmen didn't have a point. She's older than me and I'm only 22, so I have no idea how I'm old or how my age could affect this situation.

"Carmen," I stopped to look at her, "what the fuck?"

"I'm just trying to help. Maybe it's just hormones making your period late. I don't know."

"I'm not going through menopause. Scott and me never use condoms."

"I thought you were on the pill."

Although that is true, I knew the statistics of pregnancy on the pill. I won't lie and say I don't forget to take it every now and then, but there was no denying the signs. Tenderness, headaches, fatigue, spotting, nausea, and mood swings.

"Here," Carmen said. She started digging through her purse until she found a small pink box. She threw it to me and I saw it was opened with one pregnancy test left inside. "Use that."

Carmen followed me to the bathroom. I had never taken a pregnancy test at home so she walked me through it. It ended up being pretty simple, in the end. Waiting for the results was agony, but that anxiety was nothing compared to seeing two little lines show up.

"There's a bun in your oven," Carmen commented. "I hope you have a girl so she can be best friends with my daughter!"

Carmen's enthusiasm didn't rub off on me. This was something I couldn't see the silver lining in, no matter how much she tried. Nothing positive can come out of a positive pregnancy test for me. Although I fantasized about having a family with you, when faced with the reality of it, a baby right now isn't in the cards.

The next day, I made an appointment at my regular gynecologist. Fortunately, they scheduled me for their soonest appointment. Unfortunately, that appointment was over a week away.

I wasn't able to tell you, despite Carmen's advice that I should. The news would stress you out too much and I couldn't do that until I was absolutely certain. Although I had my mind made up what I was going to do, you deserved to know first.

September 13th, 2015

After a few days, things hadn't gotten easier and I went radio silent with you. I was still waiting for my appointment to confirm what I already knew but my anxiety continued to worsen.

I know you remember this day, but I'm sure neither of us remember it fondly.

You were worried when I hadn't answered any of your texts in days, so you stopped over. Nico let you in. Carmen was over, and we were discussing options when you came in.

"Did I do something?" you asked, a look of panic washing over your face. Carmen excused herself before you sat on my bed next to me. "You haven't said anything to me in days. Are you mad at me?"

"No," I quietly said. You didn't buy it, even though I was being honest. "I think I'm pregnant."

Your face went white as a ghost and I could tell I made a mistake telling you. You didn't say anything for a while, so I broke the silence.

"I have a doctor's appointment on Tuesday to confirm anything."

"Are you sure? What are you going to do...with...it?" you asked, still unsure of what to say. Now, I was the one staying silent. "You have to...you know...deal with it. This will ruin $uicideboy$. I can't handle this right now."

I knew your words were coming from a place of fear and uncertainty, but that didn't make the sting hurt any less.

"You think I can? You think a fifth kid in this house is really what I want?"

"No, but I'm just saying. You need to do something about it."

"Me? I don't know how to tell you this, but you're just as responsible as I am. Why is this suddenly just my problem?"

This was our first argument, if you'd even call it that. I wish it was over anything else, like forgetting our anniversary or not fixing the broken sink that I asked a million times before. That would be much easier to deal with than this.

We spent the following two days trying to ignore the elephant in the room together. You eventually left Monday morning when it became too awkward to silently watch TV while thinking about what we would name our kid. We didn't talk during this time for the same reason and you didn't come to the appointment with me. 

"Adrienne?" A nurse stepped out into the waiting room and looked around. I stood up and followed her back to the small room, where I waited for our fate.