Hot as Hall

Chapter Thirty Two

He growls, flipping over onto this other side so he doesn't have to meet my eyes. I give him a minute, careful about how I want to proceed. Finally, the silence gets too loud for him and he sits up on the edge of the bed, arms crossed over his chest and a shaky scowl on his face. Gone is the moody, antagonistic teenager and I'm facing my vulnerable, confused little boy. It's like he's five years old again, wondering why his mom is going away for a few weeks again. Or nine, quiet and sullen as Gwen and I explain how she's going to be moving out. Or even an infant, crying in my arms as I paced the hallway, waiting for Gwen to come home from partying. The look in his eye is a glaring reminder of all that he and I have weathered over the years, much more than should ever be expected of a child.

"Just go ahead and do it already."

"Do what?" I ask, curious what he thinks is going to happen here. This is uncharted territory for the both of us. It's not like James is in trouble all that often, and even this time, it's not that straightforward.

"Ground me. Take my phone. Yell at me. Whatever you're going to do. Just get it over with so I can go to bed."

"We'll get there." The chair creaks as I lean forward, resting my elbows on my knees. "Right now, I want to know what's going on with you. It's not like you at all to act this way."

James rolls his eyes, mouth clenched shut.

Now, that part—that's just like me at his age. And maybe even now. Stonewall unless I'm ready to open up.

"That's fine. I can stay here all night. I'm not leaving until you told me what's wrong."

We're stuck in a standoff for a few more minutes, but eventually, he cracks. "Nothing's wrong. I just... mom is finally ready to be a mom and now you've got a girlfriend and that can't happen."

"It's not quite that easy, James. I'm thrilled that your mom wants to be around more and be more involved with you boys, but that doesn't have anything to do with me. Even if Zoe wasn't in the picture, there's no way that your mom and I would get back together."

"Why? Didn't you ever love each other?"

What a loaded question. "Of course we did, but that doesn't mean we were a good match. Or that we were good for you and Lucas when we were together. You remember what that was like, don't you?"

"Yeah." He finally admits. "I just thought maybe it would be different this time."

Jesus. It's like my own words are coming out of his mouth. I can't even count the number of times I've thought that exact thing. Maybe this time... Maybe this thing... Maybe this house... it makes me nauseous to think about how hard I tried to make it work. I'd never want my boys to chase after someone who didn't treat them right the way I did with Gwen.

"James, I know it's not what you want to hear, but I think you're old enough to hear it. Your mom and I... we were so young and we had no business getting married in the first place. You and your brother deserve the best versions of us, and we are much better parents when we're apart."

"And it's my fault you had to get married in the first place."

His response knocks the wind right out of me, like a sucker punch straight to the gut. "James, what in the world would make you think that?"

"Mom said you forced her to get married after I was born." His face is flat, an emptiness in his eyes that cuts me straight to the heart.

Of all the shitty things Gwen's done, this one might take the cake. What kind of person tells a fifteen-year-old that? What kind of mother puts the blame for her bad decisions on her child? I'm not sure how her selfishness continues to surprise me, but I'm stunned.

"I guess I did." I bite my lip, searching for the right words. James is smart enough to know when I'm skirting around the truth, but I want him to understand the intention behind it. He's not a kid anymore, and I don't have to treat him that way. There's a spot next to him on the bed, and I take it, wrapping my arm around his shoulder. To my surprise, he doesn't pull away, and he lets me hold him. "When we found out about you, all I wanted was to give you the world. I wanted to create the perfect life and perfect family to raise you in, and maybe your mom is right. Maybe I did force her into something I shouldn't have, but that's not on you, James. You are one of the greatest things to ever happen to me, and I don't regret for a single second anything that happened with me and your mom. I'd do it over a million times if it meant I got to be your dad. Do you know that?"

A single tear falls down his cheek as he nods. As much as I want to, I can't blame all of this on Gwen. James is pretty easygoing, and because of that, maybe I didn't realize how much he was internalizing all of this. Maybe I brushed off signs I shouldn't have. Maybe I dropped the ball on this, too.

"I know it's hard to have your mom in and out of your life the way she is and I know you wish she would stick around, but it doesn't always work the way we want it to. There's no such thing as a perfect family, and we don't need to be together to love you or to give you the life you deserve."

"Yeah, I know." James sighs, shoving his vulnerability back down as he sits up. "I'm sorry."

"If you don't like Zoe, then that's something else we can talk about. You and Lucas are always my number one priority, and if something isn't working for the three of us, then I want you to tell me so I can fix it."

James shakes his head. "Zoe's nice. I like her."

"You do?"

"Yeah." He nods. "I guess she's the first girl you've really, really liked since mom and it made me realize you guys really aren't ever going to get back together. I'm sorry about the window. I just got it in my head that it was her fault you and mom weren't getting back together."

"I get that you were upset, and it's totally understandable, but what's not okay is to destruct someone's property like that. I don't care who it is or what is going on, you need to find a better way to handle those emotions. From now on, you come to me and we figure out how to fix it together."

He doesn't respond, refusing to meet my eyes.

"So all this money you've made mowing lawns is going to go to Zoe to pay for replacing the window, and you're going to continue to mow her lawn for the rest of the year for free."

James isn't happy with that, but we all have to learn our actions have consequences at some point, and he's lucky I'm not coming down even harder.

"And tomorrow, you're going to apologize to her both for the window and for how you spoke to her tonight. It's okay to be angry, but you have to be respectful."

"I know. I'm sorry."

"Get some rest. I'm on shift until after lunch, but we'll talk more tomorrow." I kiss the top of his head as I stand up. "I'm trusting you to stay here by yourself, so no bullshit tonight. Grandma's going to check in on you to be sure you're behaving."

James smirks and lets out a sharp laugh. "Yeah, yeah."

"I love you."

"I love you, too." He calls as I shut the door.

The conversation went better than I was anticipating. It was heavy, but it feels like I got through to him and now I've got a better understanding of where he's coming from.

And as far as I'm concerned, Gwen can't leave soon enough.