FINDING June

7. {Nan}

"Life seem to have gone through you, miss" the driver spoke up as I watched him look at me through the rear view mirror.

I didn't bother to say a thing to him. I hoped that he would get the message and not notice my existence, as well.

"I can tell you though, going home will be the best decision you'll make," he spoke again after some seconds.

"I don't need help, fixing and certainly not advice from you sir," I blurted out in anger.

"Of course, angst," I heard him mumble before he finally stopped talking.

What's that even supposed to mean?

As he dropped me off and I extended the cash to him, I took a good look at his face and turned away knowing I'll never forget that face. A scar on the forehead is not something you'll see everyday. 

I walked up to my grandmother's porch and froze as I stood there. I wondered what I would tell her if she asked me.

"Juniper?" I heard her voice and I swallowed the lump in my throat out of anxiety.

"Grandmother!" I tensed up in horror.

"Oh my days, how are you?" She walked up to me and pulled me into a hug after dropping the basket of fruit in her hand.

"I'm fine Grandma," I responded knowing very well that that was a lie. But she didn't have to know that.

"Come in, did you come alone? Where are the other two?" She asked me as she took my bag from me and led me to the front door.

"It's just me this time," I mumbled hoping that no question will follow that.

"I was so worried I wouldn't get to see you before you left for college, I am so happy you are here." She spoke with such delight, you could see it clear on her face.

•••••

Nan made sure I was comfortable. She cared about us all of us, she always told Jade she didn't have to be so bitter. She asked the right questions, the normal amount. She knows how to make you feel important. She knows how to make it easy to live. That was why I liked it here.

But I knew this newly found comfort wouldn't last for long. I only had this grace till Tuesday. I knew I didn't want to go back home, I won't go back there. But I had no where to go.

"June, dinner"

I stood up from the bed to go outside. I know Nan didn't like asking much questions but I knew not eating would push her into asking. As I passed by the mirror, I couldn't see my body through the baggy clothes I wore, the scars from that person hitting me wasn't so conspicuous after bathing and washing off the dried blood smeared on my face.

I wondered what it would be like to have a body that no one would want to look twice at. I wondered if I could make myself less noticeable to the world. Jade was right, that person did that because he saw something he liked seeing in a person he wasn't used to seeing it with. So I thought about what to do to make no man ever look at me the second time.

As I joined Nan on the table, I tried to force out a smile and sat down. She put food on my plate and then sighed.

"Now you look better. Did you get into a fight? Those bruises," she mentioned and it was then I figured you don't walk around the city with bruises and expect people not to look and ask.

"Yes," I lied because she already made lying easier.

"Next time, don't get into fights you're not sure you'll win except you have a baseball bat," She prompted me so I laughed to her joke knowing very well Nan knew what she was saying.

I looked at the food in my plate. I punched the pasta  and stabbed the steak without putting anything in my mouth and hoping Nan wouldn't notice.

"You should eat. You look pale and sick already, eat." She complained with a worried expression on her face.

So I ate.

I ate, took more and ate more.

I ate all that I was given and more of it till I felt bloated enough.

I ate and hoped for it to take me beyond all points of attractiveness.

💨March 13th
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