CHAPTER 21: The moment the words slip out of his mouth, heavy and loathed with shame, you feel your heart stop for a long, terrible, torturous moment, as you stare at him and into his hazel eyes.
''My girlfriend asked me to get back together,'' he says.
Your heart starts beating again, slowly, as his words echo in your mind, and you try to comprehend. You swallow, look at his face, and you see the guilt there, and it aches in your heart, but it also makes your blood boil. You try to remember breathing steadily, and you feel so, so sad with a suddenness that almost knocks you out, and you sit there and fight for words or a reaction or at least a face expression, and a frown is the first thing you can muster. You frown, and then you open your mouth, and you wait a moment, and then the words come, with a slow disbelief.
''What did you tell her?'' you ask, your voice low and slightly deeper than usually, trembling ever so slightly, maybe because you have to fight so hard not to let a wave from the sea of emotions rushing through you right now flush in and draw you out to drown. You see how Adam blinks and sort of hesitates, how he seems like he can't find the words, and you wait although you're already kind of half-concluding what the answer's going to be.
''I...'' It comes out hoarsely, like a mumble, and his eyes dart to his hands in his lap and rests there.
''What?''
You're not sure what you want your voice to sound like, but it's kind of demanding and angry, and you can see how those emotions make his gaze fly again. He obviously doesn't know where to look, and he starts twisting his hands around.
''I told her I don't know, Emilie,'' he murmurs then, softly, but you feel the 'but' in there, and you're afraid to jump to conclusions. ''We're... We're going out for dinner tonight, just to talk, you know. See if we can sort things out, and... we'll see where it goes from there.''
Your throat feels dry and you swallow, looking away, not sure whether you dare look at him. The question is on your tongue, but you're scared of the answer, and when you take the jump and say it, you immediately regret it a little.
''When did she ask you to get back together?'' you ask, and Adam throws a very quick glance at you before he looks down again. He clears his throat, and a brief second or two passes.
''Yesterday morning,'' he whispers.
Your eyes widen.
''Yesterday morning?!'' you shout, and Adam winces, reaching out his hands in a protective manner, like he's trying to make you calm down.
''Emilie, I...''
''You do realize you had sex with me last night, right?!'' you ask angrily, and you feel like hitting him, but you can't move. You can't really breathe, either.
''Emilie, I'm so, so sorry,'' Adam insists, his voice begging, his eyes pleading for forgiveness. ''I-I...''
''I wanna bet you end up screwing your girlfriend tonight,'' you growl, your eyes piercing him, burning with anger, and also sadness because he betrayed you like that. How could he sleep with you right after his girlfriend asked him to get back together and asked him out for dinner? Who does he think you are? Was he playing you, or was he just plain stupid? ''You'll probably get her drunk like you did with me, fuck her, and then tomorrow when she wakes up in your bed, you'll tell her you can't be around her anymore. Right? Or maybe you've wanted to be with her all along, only you were too fucking proud to ask her, so you used me so she would feel jealous and take you back, and then last night you lost it a bit, or maybe you just felt like you couldn't leave without taking the prize, so you fucked me and played nice and now you dump me. You're even worse than what the magazines make you out to be - you're a fucking promiscuous asshole who plays everyone and takes women for something to fuck.''
''No, I'm not like that!'' Now Adam's the one shouting, and you can see sparks of anger and frustration and desperation ignite in his eyes as he stares at you. ''I don't... I don't have those feelings for her anymore after what she did to me.''
''Oh, so that's why you spent like an hour last night blabbering about how much you miss her? And then you fucked me so you'd have cheated on her too, once you got back together, so the score would've been set straight?''
''I was drunk!''
''Yeah, sure as hell you were - what is it they say? You gotta hear the truth from kids and drunks?''
''I didn't mean it!''
You make Adam freeze for just a moment when you smash your hand into the car door.
''Fucking bullshit, Adam!'' you snarl, and if your eyes could kill, he would've passed out on his seat just now. ''If you didn't still have feelings for her you wouldn't have accepted a dinner invite - please don't fucking shit on me and tell me otherwise. You don't go accept dinner invites 'after what she did to you', quote.''
''I want to tell her no!'' he says, and continues before you can break him off. ''That's why I accepted that dinner invite, okay? I want to tell her it's not gonna happen.''
''Then why the hell did you tell me a minute ago that you said to her you don't know?'' you ask madly, and Adam throws his hands in the air in frustration.
''Because I didn't at the time!'' he bursts out, and you pause and breathe for a moment. ''I didn't know what I wanted to do then, but I've decided, okay?''
You swallow.
''Please, don't say you love me,'' you beg, and he shakes his head. ''I don't want more lies. I'm sick of your crap.''
''Fine,'' he growls, his voice deep and angry, and he looks up at you with eyes full of emotions, and suddenly, out of nowhere, you feel so, so guilty. ''I don't love you. I fucked you cause I was lonely. I fucked you cause I was scared and I didn't know what to do. No more lies. You're just a random chick, and I don't care about you. You only gave me bad publicity. I should've never called you that night. I'll go home and delete your number now, and I'm serious this time. Tonight I'll tell my girlfriend I'm sorry, I screwed up and I was stupid enough to allow myself to get close to some random woman that did nothing but mess me up. I love my girlfriend. Yes, I do love her. She's sweet and beautiful, and she made a few mistakes, but she confessed them. I've forgiven her. I love her, and I will never be stupid enough to leave her again. Now, get the fuck out of my car.''
Suddenly it seems as if all the oxygen in the car is gone. So is all the words you wanted to say, all the anger and rage, all the blame towards him. You're speechless.
''Adam...'' The only word you can say is his name in a strange, soft, pleading voice. He throws out his hand towards your car door.
''Get out!'' he shouts in a very insisting voice, and you can feel how he's fighting to contain his rage. You know he's trying to hide it, and God, you wish you couldn't sense it through his anger, but sadness and despair and vulnerability surrounds him and glows out of his eyes, and you feel awful. You feel so bad. So bad. ''Get the fuck out, Emilie!'' His voice is loud and intense. You realize you have to do what he says. You have to get out. You don't want to leave, but you have to. You try to breathe normally as you open the car door and step onto the curb.
You stand still and look after him as the engine roars and he takes off, disappearing into the city landscapes.
