Fade out (again)

The Eraser

I wake up in a blindingly white headache-inducing cell. I can hear the buzzing and humming of the fluorescent lights.

This machine will, will not communicate.

I try with all my being to hold onto who I am, to who I used to be before but I can feel myself fading away with every new wave of treatment.

These thoughts and the strain I am under.

A nurse walks in with a wheelchair. It seems I am permitted to see the garden today. She smiles at me. I smile back, weakly.

She first takes me to the pond dotted with bright lime lily pads, koi fish and the small fountain. I can still hear the buzzing of lights even being near the rippling water. The fish swim in little circles beneath the waterline.

Be a world child, form a circle.

Before we all go under.

I know I am losing myself. Something that was part of me before, something important has been taken away. I am fading out again.

She next takes me to see the trees. Little birds care for their newborns in the nests that house them. She points them out to me and I try to pay close attention but I have lost too much of myself to be able to respond.

Cracked eggs, dead birds.

Scream as they fight for life.

I almost start to enjoy myself before she takes me back inside and hands me the pill. I force it down my throat as a tear escapes my eye. She is too kind, too sweet, why is she doing this to me? I regress into my mind going through everything again as I'm taken to the auditorium to erase more of my being.

I can feel death, can see its beady eyes.

"All these things into position!" The same intern, more upbeat than before.

All these things we'll one day swallow whole.

I knew I wouldn't be able to survive another round. 

And fade out again.

And fade out again.

My last thoughts before it all ends.

Immerse your soul in love.

Immerse your soul in love.