Kynedy Carter

who...21

"We're picking a movie if you guys would like to join us out here."

We joined them in their couch.

"You girls are now away from all the kids", Jenny said.

"Yeah i am surprised no one brought it up. We are babysitters at this point.", I answered.

"I mean at least we can still enjoy some of the usual things, they gotta watch them at the beach. I am not rescuing them.", Jane responded.

"Yeah im gonna be on them for the next few days make sure you're not fullg responsible for them.", Tio Jean said, "so hows California?"

"It's good its so calm where we live, I spend plenty of time outside and I made some friends so far. I think going to school will bring more friends and I can get to know cali more. I still miss New York and all my favorite places, I think though the winter we will spend time in NY."

"Oh cool we'll be visiting New York in Nov or December still figuring that out though. We are evem thinking of going to California, we always wanted to go.", Jean said

"Omg you have to let me know if you do that way we can do stuff together and like you can probably stay with us. Ill have to ask.", I said, "my cousin Melanie from my dad side stayed a while and we had lots of fun."

"Yeah I'll let you know."

They set some movie on the team I was half interested in, I just could shake the feeling that something was wrong and that things were so different. I was paralyzed into this space I couldn't explain, I was trying to catch my breathe.

How could I be here without my mom? I had not even went to visit her. Why was it so different? This is so wrong so so wrong. It is not right, I shouldn't be here. Is that what is wrong with me the truth.

"Kynedy whats wrong?", they looked at me all scared.

I couldn't respond, I couldn't answer. I was just crying and maybe thats what I need but why cant I breathe normally.

"You're having an anxiety attack, its okay. You're okay we are right her with you. Jean bring some salt", Jenny look at me.

"You're gonna be okay", Jane hugged me.

All of a sudden I felt the salt touch my tongue, I immediately spit it out. I was out of that lock I could talk.

"That's so gross, I need water"

"But it did the trick... it makes your brain change thoughts. Sorry. Is it okay to ask what you were thinking about?", Jenny said.

After drinking some whatever I was scared to answer, would they judge?

"I dont know the main cause but I have just had this nagging feeling some thing is wrong and its wrong to be here without my mom. Like I should not be here in Puerto Rico. I have felt it here and there but it judt felt strong now that I'm really enjoying here."

"I think it might be a bit grief there, it hasn't even been 6 months. You are still feeling the loss of your mom for one part. I feel the loss and towards the end we weren't even that close to each other." Jean answered.

"It sucks so hard trying to all be here and act like it doesn't exist only for all of us to end up crying the story just repeats itself.", I said.

"That's grief when my dad died we had a family vacation a little bit before the year. It was just filled with constant crying every day, but we were also able to look back. We were able to bring up memories with him and bring each other comfort. At the end we all left relaxed and with a bit of a more positive mindset. It wasn't all negative.", Jenny said, "this is going to be the most awkward trip, its gonna be the trip you hate but love. The next trips will get better slowly."

After that piece of advice I felt better I felt understood. We spent the rest of the night kind of talking it out and we all slept in the living room. I am pretty sure they were scared to send me to my room with my issues. I didn't want to be alone either.

The next day Tio Jean was up early I heard him packing things in the car, and tia Jenny was in the kitchen. Meanwhile I was trying to fake sleep my way into a longer nap, while Jane was really asleep.

"Kid if you could help me with your bags that would be great", Tio Jean said.

I got up because I rather not have them postpone anything, I also got Jane's bag. She was gonna sleep through the car ride anyways. It was gonna be a while in the car anyways.

We first had to stop at abuelas house were our abuelos joined us in the car ride. I was glad about that being we hadn't gotten much of a chance to really have one on one time. At first I spent the time sleeping, because we had left pretty early.

"Y ya empiezas el grado 9. ¿Cómo te sientes?"

(And you're starting ninth grade. How do you feel?)

"Ay abue me siento muy feliz, pero voy a entrar a una nueva escuela"

(I feel happy grandma, but I am starting at a new school.)

"Ni que siguieras en la misma escuela, pero eres bien lista vas a hacer amigas y amigos. No más ten cuidado no te dejes llevar no mas por palabritas, que demuestren ser amigos." 

(It's not like you were gonna stay in the same school, but you are always ready to make new friends. Just be careful don't fall for words, let them prove they are your friends.)

We continued to talk about life and my mom she was telling me every story about my mom. In a way making sure I heard the stories about her before she became selfish or before she change. At one point in her life she was loving and so nice, but overtime she changed as a person.

Rumors says she stole my dad from Beyonce, but there is some blame on my dad. I knew when I was little they were fighting behind the scenes, I knew they both were hateful. Beyonce beat her up once and that is why I didn't like her. 

Beyonce eventually settled down and came to terms with the situation or something like that. Ever since then she never brought up the past or said anything negative, not even when you ask her. I have had people try to bait her even when I am not there and she refuses. I am kind of grateful for that.

This is not about Beyonce this is about me, and the drive was going well so far we only had an hour left to get there. I could see the water already and the scenery changing, the humidity was felt as soon as we brought down the windows. The excitement was growing.