Stubborn and the Mutt

fourteen | my way

My lips pout as I stare at the ceiling, feeling tingling sensations of forming tears at the back of my eyes, ready to well my eyes up and spill over. "I don't know."

There's a pause for a bit. Silence fills the air between us. In that, I feel her move a bit until she is sitting up straight. I don't look, but I can see her covering her large breasts.

"You do know. Maybe you just don't want to admit it."

"I just don't like that you're technically encouraging his behaviour."

"You don't want me to encourage you to go for it? Be with him? See what he is about? If I don't, as your friend, who will? You'll end up running away from men because of... the past. Beyond what Banele did. You're only mistreating yourself. If you need to heal, sure. But here's a boy who is saying, he is willing and wants you to be his. He is straight to the point. He is telling you that he... you're his, based on what he believes. Like another religion you aren't part of, I get that. But... try? What are you afraid of? He literally stayed with you right up until you woke up and... I guess bedsides you waking up on him, he stayed with you and let you sleep on him. May not be much but I swoon at the thought. Banele was too good for that, remember? Didn't think it was what men should do. Remember that? What are you afraid of?"

"Another man hurting me because he has the power to do that." I mumble. "I really think I shouldn't be with men because all they do is hurt me. Besides my dad but I can't exactly marry him."

Andrea laughs lowly at that. "No, you can't."

"I just want control. I don't want somebody to have control over me anymore." I sigh.

"You can still have control. You walking up to him and telling him that you're willing to do this under your terms, is you taking control. Sharing the driver's seat with him. I get that he is young, I do. But hey, you know what they say about young boys."

I frown at her. "What do they say?"

"They have package and have experience—"

"Andrea— oh my! Don't ever!" She laughs loudly. "Oh my word. I'm not thinking of that."

"He literally told you he's not a boy! I'm just saying maybe what he said is true!"

I sit up straight and glare at her, giggling a bit. "That's crazy. Ridiculous. I don't want to think about that because I don't care about that. I'm not sleeping with a man for a long, long, long time. He certainly shouldn't even think I would do that anytime soon."

"Oh so you would sleep with him? Just not now."

I get choked up on the thought. I don't want to think about it. He's young for me, and I don't think sleeping with him is a good idea. Just now he gets egotistical and think he bagged me and all of that. I don't need a repetition of Banele.

"I don't know—"

"Here's my advice. You know me, my advice is always good. Sometimes." She gently smiles. "Give him a chance. See what he is about. See if this is something you can handle and so. If not, you can leave. You can leave. It's not a problem. You leave and life goes on. But imagine it working out? Not to compare it to Banele but Banele would literally lose his mind if he sees you getting treated well, compared to what he treated you."

I nibble at my bottom lip. That's true... but that's not the goal as well. I don't want to have to care about what Banele would think or how he would act and stuff. If I am to be with somebody, it shouldn't be to constantly compare it with the past.

Banele doesn't even deserve me to do that. He doesn't deserve me in any way.

But Micah...

"I don't know." I sigh, rubbing my face. "I don't know."