Lost Wanderers (Halbrand / Rings of Powers)

16 - Still Something to Learn

He shifted on the grass to find a better position and looked at the trees, his gaze lost on a horizon he couldn't see.
"There was peace and goodness when I was created" he started softly, with a nostalgy that affected her like the cold breeze of an evening "l enjoyed working with Aule. That was my happiest time".
Imagining a happy Sauron sounded blasphem. But what if evil was something else at the beginning.
Luthien tried to imagine his life as he continued, mentioning the dark she feared to hear about.
"Then came Melkor" he said with anger and desperation "He whispered things to me, seeing potential in me, that I was destined for power. So I followed him. Only later I understood that I became a servant, that he wanted destruction, where I wanted order. But I couldn't turn against him. I had to obey. Until he heard of the Elf Princess, who fell for a simple mortal man".
Luthien held her breath while her arms wrapped around herself, but she couldn't escape the fear she felt thinking of that story, that she had heard about for her whole life, being told by the enemy.
"When any other immortal creature desired her. When even Melkor desired her" he scoffed "He ordered us all to find her and bring her to him, unharmed. You know what happened then. I caught Beren. I was ordered to gain informations from him, but he preferred death to betraying her. And then she came to my door. My surprise was her advantage. I wasn't ready to face her, I wasn't ready to be defeated. So, I ran away, trying to escape my master's fury, until, luckily for me, he was defeated too. And I was free".
Luthien frowned. Because she never imagined that a defeat could mean freedom.
But the relief on his face was like the light of a sunrise after days or centuries being held prisoner in a dark cell.
"For five centuries, I wandered thinking about my existence. I exiled myself in the Sundering Sea, letting the tides carry me close to Valinor and to forgiveness, or far from those white shores. I ended up finding Galadriel, who dragged me here, back into war".
And then Luthien already knew the story.
She took her time to digest his words, to try to find any hint of a lie, but he looked so harmless and vulnerable. She really was incapable to distrust him.
"I still don't understand why me" she admitted after the long silence.
He looked at her and she winced. His eyes seemed being back from a long journey through centuries and eras. An amount of time that made her existence be so ephemeral. Just the blink of an eye.
Something softened in his gaze as his eyes lingered on her.
"You know, that Elf Princess had been my torment for a long time. She was good at escaping my traps, she had a power that bewitched even dark Melkor" he swallowed, pausing before continuing "After I was defeated, Beren died and she let herself die, to meet the gods and ask to have him back. And both of them were back to life. Their love defeated even death. They lived a mortal life peacefully. She died for a mortal. It felt an absurd story to me then. But when I came back from my exile, when I landed in your city and heard your name whispered in the wind, when I saw the light in your eyes, I felt a sudden peace".
Luthien squirmed with uneasiness, recalling all the times she secretly dreamer for her and Halbrand to be like the famous Beren and Luthien.
"You're not her" he reminded firmly "But I saw in you the chance to finally understand the power that she had, a power that bent even the gods to her will, so she got everything she wanted".
She didn't know what she had expected, but his words didn't satisfy her thirst for the truth.
"So it's all about power?" she said failing to hide ger disappointment.
"No" he said quickly, surprised that she didn't understand "I just want to feel what was binding her to Beren. There's still so much I can learn. And maybe you can teach me something".
She was speechless.
She knew that bound Luthien to Beren. They were the personification of love. Of the purest love, able to defeat even death and to make the gods weep.
"What if Halbrand wasn't just a mask?" he suggested with new hope, grabbing her hand into his warm ones "What if I'm still Halbrand? Not Sauron, not eternal. If I'm just a man, would you accept me?".
She loved Halbrand. She gave up everything for him.
She had to impose to herself to remember that Halbrand was just a mask.
"But you're not" she whined, hating the tears that showed how brokenhearted she was.
"How can you be sure? Do I deserve your hatred for my old sins? Is there no redemption for me?".
She leaned away from him, from his desperation.
"You have to ask the gods" she mumbled.
"But what if the gods sent you to me? What if our paths meeting wasn't a coincidence? What if you're my balance while I try to bring order where my former master caused destruction?" he insisted.
Luthien swallowed hard, shaking her head.
Finally she found the words to express the bitter frustration she felt.
"You're speaking a language I don't understand. What is it you want from me?".
"Your support? Your understanding? Your affection?" he looked so innocent that her instinct wanted to simply say yes "I thought I had them all, before you started to doubt me".
Your love.
He was right. He had everything he could ask from her, before the truth opened her eyes.
Love blinded her, not just his deception.
Your trust.
She was sure he needed her trust more than anything else.
"You wouldn't have told me the truth about yourself. Am I right?" she said glaring at him.
"I want you away from my dark past. Instead I had to be honest with you. I didn't lie to you. But you preferred death than facing me again" he turned to look down at the river he had fought to save you.
"Who would want to be in my shoes now? Only the evil would agree to be with you" she planted her palm on the ground to try to stand up, but her fury was not enough to fuel her exhausted body.
He jumped up and grabbed her before her legs failed her and brought her back on the ground.
"And you're not evil. You're good. And in all these months you enjoyed being by my side".
She glared at the hand wrapped around her arm, then looked up at him "Have you enjoyed playing with me?".
"Not completely" he admitted holding her unforgiving glare "I feared the truth would reach your ears, but I hoped you wouldn't believe it. I feared that you would stare at me with hatred and disgust".
As she was doing now.
She closed her eyes. It wasn't easy to be angry to him. Not when he acted like he didn't deserve her hatred.
She was incapable of truly hate him.
"Then why don't you claw my eyes away? Why don't you use your powers to bend me to your will or to crush my mind?" she asked, almost begging him to just do that. So she'd be free from suffering. She'd be no more.
"Because I can't" he said with a pained sigh "I respect you. I don't want to change anything about you. Even when seeing you like this hurts me".
She rolled her eyes "As if anything can hurt you".
A long silence stretched between them.
She wondered why he didn't just let her go, let her collapse to the ground, let her crawl on the fallen leaves as the insignificant creature she was.
But his grip was firm and gentle on her arms. A gesture so far away from her ideas of evil and ruthlessness.
"You need some rest" he said softly "We can talk again whenever you want. But for now, come back with me. Take care of yourself. Let me take care of you. Please".
Luthien clenched her jaw, unable to fight against the need and the desperation in his voice.
Was she really capable of hurting Sauron's feelings?
It sounded absurd. Sauron was supposed to have only evil feelings.
Luthien surrendered, letting him lead through the forest, until they found their camp.
She went back to the routine of life without actively participating, like being a disinterested viewer of how Luthien was taken care.
He was patient.
She almost wished to challenge him, seeing how long he could be that patient before letting his mask drop and let out the monster he was hiding.
But as days passed, she was the one surrendering even more.
His gestures filtered through her walls of distrust and anger, resurrecting the feelings she felt for Halbrand.
Because he still was Halbrand to her. No matter how hard she tried to persuade herself that he was dead and replaced by an impostor.