Where's My Love? - Lo'ak

Chapter 49: She is Faith

If he dies his father never has to see him again. He's sure his father would never even visit him at the Spirit Tree.

Lo'ak has little light in his life and knows he probably doesn't give much light to others.

Neteyam makes him happy. That's his big brother. The one who would clean his wounds so Jake wouldn't see. The one who takes the fall when it's his fault. He can't imagine a life without him, that's his big brother, the boy who has been with him from the start.

And Esmyrie, the girl that pulls him out of darkness ever single time. He can't explain the love he has for her. She is his best friend, his rock, his love, his mate. His heart beats at just the thought of her accepting him and somehow, someway seeing him and loving him enough to want to mate. His sweet love, who would fight battles on her own just to keep him and his siblings safe. She is the reason he feels. The reason he so stupidly believes maybe he isn't a mistake, maybe he does have a purpose.

Losing her would destroy him. She is sunshine and him rain. She is light and him darkness. She is love and he is the one that needs loved.

To him they are perfect together, and yet Eywa thinks differently.

When Esmyrie told him that he didn't see all the visions, that there is one vision she hid away from him -her death-, he thought she was joking.

Surely she was joking, because it wouldn't be fair for him to lose Neteyam and it wouldn't be fair for him to lose Esmyrie.

But then he begged. Begged for her to say she was joking, that it was a lie, that she would be okay, and she couldn't promise that. Because lying is a sin and Esmyrie never lies to him.

And so it makes Lo'ak think, why them?

Why take Neteyam? He has purpose in this world. He has a future.

Why take Esmyrie? That's his love, she has suffered enough and always smiles.

He thinks, why not him? Sure, Esmyrie may miss him when he is gone and Neteyam may cry for a few hours, but after that it would be like he never existed, like no one lost anything to begin with.

He thinks he may hate Eywa for not choosing him instead.

He thinks he hates himself more though for having no way to prevent it.

His brother has a fate, one Eywa has shown ends with a bullet to the chest.

Esmyrie has a fate, one Eywa has shown Esmyrie but the girl won't reveal.

And he is just supposed to live with that? He is just supposed to act like everything is okay? Like he isn't about to lose people he loves. He is supposed to live while one of them dies? He is supposed to just allow that to happen?

It's wrong, and cruel, and makes him feel betrayed by Eywa.

He hates himself, so let Eywa hate him too. Let Eywa choose him instead. That's fair, that's true and kind. Him dying would be okay, him dying would be worth it, but them, Neteyam or Esmyrie or both, that's bad. That's a sin in itself.

He doesn't know how he made it into the forest, but he can feel the sand turn into grass under his feet and the wind start to struggle hitting his back as it hits leaves instead.

He decides here is a good place to break, and so he does.

He grabs at his hair, pulling hard, hoping if he pulls hard enough the thoughts and visions Esmyrie showed him will leave.

And when that doesn't work, he goes and punches a tree. Hard. He hears what might be the crack of a finger, he silently hopes it's his pinky, and he can feel the bark scratch against his skin but he doesn't care.