The rest of the chapter was interesting. The cops found the alleged murder scene and are now on the hunt to figure out what exactly happened. Overall, the chapters contained a nice hook. I found myself getting lost in the story, yearning to see what happened next. (16/20)
• Chapter By Chapter: Ch. 3: Giana didn't act very surprised to find out that she was a supposed murder victim in a case. She literally swept it under the rug like it was a normal occurrence. Even if the Sheriff was known to be a little batty, there was a whole team involved who also had a say.
There's quite a bit of repetition in this chapter as well. In order to prevent this, refrain from saying the same things back to back, this includes character names. It'll help with the flow of your story as well.
What I find extremely weird about this whole story, is that Giana is going to Italy to meet the guardians who she knows nothing about, just because they summoned her by a letter. If that's not strange enough, her name is listed as a murder victim within that same area. But she waves it off, and still proceeds to go. There is a difference between being naive and lacking brain cells. It just doesn't make sense as to why she'd still go. At this point, whatever happens to her is her own fault. And the fact that Riccard is saying 'let's just face it head on, don't you want some thrill in your life?' Does he want her to die? Like... is he a part of this? I'd be throwing him out.
I can't help but notice how you use 'haha' a lot when the characters laugh. I highly recommend not doing that anymore. Not only does it sound amateur, but it takes away from the story. It's almost like reading a text message.
As the story progresses, I can't help but actually get a thrill. During the beginning of chapter one, I was certain that this was something that happened to Giana in the future and that we were working up to it. But then, during the crime scene, the police stated that a man named Riccard (who owned the place in Italy) tipped the police off about a murder. Well, Riccard is in a relationship with Giana and he's acting really strange now. I'm convinced that he's somehow involved in all of this.
For some reason, I thought they lived somewhere else and were traveling to Italy. But it turns out that they live there too. That makes more sense. The chapter ends with Giana getting a text message from the police officer, yet, it's unclear as to how he got her number in the first place and he instructs her to come down stairs alone, which is extremely suspicious. Overall, this chapter was interesting and I think we were given some vital snippets of what we can expect to come to light in later chapters.
Ch. 4: As soon as Inspector Hash sent her that message, I knew there was something really off about the entire situation. In fact, I'm certain that Simon was in on it, as he was the one who called them in the first place.
This chapter was shorter than the others, but it was just as important. Inspector Hash appears to be on Giana's side, and if they find a body, then Giana will be accused of murder. Even though she wasn't around when it happened, and I'm pretty sure that she has an alibi. So far, there hasn't been a dull moment for me while reading. I'm genuinely enjoying all of these twists.
Ch.5: Giana is immediately off to a bad start. She was given one rule. Don't let Riccard suspect anything and she goes in there babbling and stuttering. And then she turns around, demanding answers, knowing that her fiancé could be a murderer. Does she have a death wish? Now, he's begging to explain himself, so she allows him this. But there are holes in his story. Why would he sign papers to a condo that he's never seen before, nor paid for?
Okay. Who the heck are these guardians? We keep hearing about them; apparently they're known around Italy, but it wasn't stated exactly how. Maybe some more information about these guardians would be useful. I'm aware we don't know who they are, but Giana and Riccard apparently know of them. Therefore, we should too.
I really enjoyed every chapter that I read. I didn't find myself getting bored at all. The chapters need some fleshing out, but overall, I didn't have any major complaints. (7/10)
Flow & Grammar: The writing style/flow was inconsistent throughout your book. There were times where things came together really smoothly, and then there were times where things looked forced and blocky. In order to prevent this, make sure that you're re-reading your work and see if it flows smoothly to you. Attempt to keep an unbiased mindset as you're doing this. If that doesn't work, then have some other people critique it for you as well. Two sets of eyes are always better than one.
The grammar & flow of your book go hand in hand. If you have bad grammar and bad punctuation then it will have a negative impact on your story as a whole. I did notice a decent amount of misspellings and punctuation errors. For example, there doesn't need to be a dash in 'coincidence' as it's one syllable. You also didn't use dialogue tags, and the one time that you did use one, you used it in place of a question mark.
I think the flow could have been enhanced, but most of that has to do with grammar, punctuation, and the way things were written. It wasn't effortless and I found myself pulling away from the story at times. (13/20)
• Characters: I had a love/hate relationship with Giana. She just wasn't very smart. As mentioned above, she went along with going to this place of horrors, and then her fiancé became the main suspect. She has a run-in with the cop who told her to keep a low profile. But she does the opposite.
There's not enough emotion among the characters. The dialogue overpowers any thoughts they may be having, and it was more difficult to connect with them on a human level. Their dialogue was also unrealistic throughout the majority of the book. They would say things that didn't make much sense, or act weird ways.
Make sure that your characters are perfectly rounded. This means your secondary characters should be as well. They need to feel like real people to us. They should have thorough backgrounds, friendships, families, everything that we have. This will help readers connect and feel more for these characters. (4/10)
• Storytelling & Plot: I found the plot really unique. The entire story has great potential, it just needs some work. My main issues were with the way the story was written. As mentioned before, there were quite a few writing errors and misused words within sentences. I do think that we should have a little more knowledge on the guardians. Why were they so trusted? This is vital information, and if it isn't answered, it does create a plot hole. I really enjoyed the story, and hope that you consider my advice. (17/20)
• Details & Information: There was a huge lack of detail/descriptions, and information. The book was mostly made up of dialogue and small pieces of information here and there. We should be seeing everything through your main character's eyes, otherwise it's harder to connect to the scene. As for the information, nothing was really explained. Granted, there was a lot of finding out on our own, but with the guardians for example, that wasn't resolved. I have no idea why they were so important to Giana and Riccard. I recommend going through and filling in the gaps. There shouldn't be 2-3 pages of straight up dialogue. This will also help you incorporate more detail in. (5/10)
• Overall: Your story appears to be a normal first draft. There are the given errors, the lack of detail in some areas, and there's a lot of room for improvement. My suggestion to you, is to rewrite it. I don't mean to scrap it and start fresh. I think you should take what you have, and improve it. Flesh out your sentences, round your characters, and possibly find an editor. Read for read programs are really helpful, as are book clubs. That doesn't mean to listen to everything people tell you, but if more than one person is saying the same thing, then it's probably a sign. Take your time with your story, because this is your baby. You want to be proud of it. Other than the issues I've mentioned probably a dozen times by now, I have no more complaints. I enjoyed reading it, and it does have a lot of potential. Thank you for choosing me to review your book! (70/100)
~ Violet <3
The Phantom Conspiracy (VD)
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