BPD

Chapter 1

If someone asked me what's my happiest moment in my life I'd always reply to them a minute later after my mind blanking out that it's December 7th, 2020. Honestly the only day I lived my life like a rich kid. That day I had my very first Starbucks. it was a hot crispy red mocha, it was a limited drink here in India  during the holiday season. it was somewhere around 7 pm  where my mom made my dad stop the car near a pet store. I always wanted to have a dog I begged my parents about it for like 8 years and never in my wildest dreams i thought this would be the day my dream would come true. As soon as I entered the store there was this one dog whose eyes glistened, like the ones where you're going through the hardest part of your life and  a light is waiting for you to pass through, it was those kinda eyes.  I later realized that breed was known as a golden English cocker spaniel. when i tell you when milo entered my life it was a turning point for me cause as long as I Remember that was  my only goal in  life. 

Now that i look back at it i don't have anything more to accomplish cause I had everything in my like  life average grades, a family(not the kind you see in movies) they are  Indian its one way to describe them,  love is never an importance it's more like a it depends on your marks kinda thing. And my friends who loved bullying me. it wasn't that bad of a life cause there are people who have it worse you know.  And maybe that's where I should have realized I deserved better. It was in July 2023 that my depression and anxiety were on peaks  and it was so hard for me to get of my bed and brush my teeth. i got these flash backs of how my mom didn't believe me that I was sexually abused by my brother when i was in 5th grade. she thought I was faking it for attention. who would fake that? i hoped she would understand me better like I thought she would but she never did, And i guess it's fine maybe she had other things to worry about, but a hug would have been good and a soft loving hand on my head saying "it's not your fault you are safe know" but maybe i was expecting too much.

 when I told my dad about my SA he was shocked , he holded my hands and said "I promise I won't say this to anyone I'll be here for you" did I do something wrong? why would it be between us? was i in fault? i didn't understand but I'm at least glad he was there for me I guess. 

I had a love hate relationship with my dad. it mostly depended on my marks when I was a kid. I remember the day where once i failed in  math and he was sitting on the sofa across me where i was standing Infront of him, he was holding a belt in his hands. there was my grandmother, grandfather and my uncles beside my dad who were glaring at me. my father lifted his belt and bet me asking "is  this is all you got?" i Remember saying with tears in my eyes" I'm sorry for being a burden and yes, if this is the maximum efforts i could put in then this is all i got and i know  I'm a failure  and I'm sorry for being a burden" if i could have dug a hole and die, i would have done that without any hesitation cause it was so embarrassing, to stand in front of my whole family where i almost peed myself. if i got a chance to hug my eight year old self trust me she would have cried and swept till she passed away cause I know how much a hug would mean to her. And there it was my fear of failure.

 Now coming back to the august 2022 that's when i started going to therapy. it was  by far the best decision i made in my life or so i thought. i was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, extreme social anxiety and anxiety, extreme depression and bi polar disorder. And that was a breaking point for me cause my parents were here acting like the victim  saying I made the whole abused by my parents up and told the therapist i  was hallucinating but the knife scars on my hands told the story the other way around.