Love just means chaos

1. Chapter

The living hell that letter caused...

   Thor decided to visit Loki in his chambets. These days, it wasn't possible to fins him anywhere else. Not in the kitchen stealing some sweets, not in the library studying ancient texts, not in the garden with Leah... Oh Leah, that lovely, cheeky young woman.
   Walking down the golden corridors he was getting more sure with every step that he had no chance to make his brother's mind up. Let's be real now, even their mother wasn't able to make him accept the situation, what could he do? Since he was his little brother he had no other choice than to at least try.
   Loki was not himself since that letter came, even though he had every reason to be that way, people go crazy when they are grieving. But that letter came at least six weeks ago and he wasn't getting any better. He refused to eat, to go outside, to train his magic or dueling, to basically do anything than just sitting in his dark room thinking about Leah. He even lost his passion for tricks and mischief. The only thing he still had interest in was to find her, to take her back to Asgard. He denied everybody who said that it was impossible. Even his beloved mother, who was in his chambers for days and hold him close. There was no amount of tears that could be enough for his loss. But crying just was the first stop, oh Allfather, there were more. There was anger, throwing things at people sent to him, chasing away the prostitutes his father sent to him. Odin could not figure out anything better than sending women to his son who was grieving his.... Well, nobody knew for sure if Leah and him were lovers, but it was obvious that the younger prince fell for that valkyrie.
   After anger came complete denial, the phase they were currently in. Thor was hoping it will end there, even though it didn't seem to change not even a little bit. Loki nowadays did never leave his chambers and didn't let anybody enter. The only thing that the Royal Family knew about him was that he was asking for too many bottles of wine in a day.
   So yeah, it was merely impossible too to even get Loki to open his door. Thor somehow could manage that, by saying nonsense lies about he knows where Leah truly was. Entering the room he saw that the case was even worse than what Frigga has told them when she had been crying in Odin's arms. The room was so dark he could barely see anything. The sheets were crumpled, letters were everywhere, on the floor, on the desk, literally everywhere, letters from Leah, of course. Loki was sitting on the cold marble floor next to the only burning candle, marking a map. He was so small bending over there that Thor had that ridiculous thought that he saw his little brother, back when they were little kids. But he shortly changed up his mind about that when Loki turned around.
   He was pale, his hair was tangled and he was skinnier than ever. Loki even made a weird crackling sound when he weakly managed to get up. He literally looked and sounded like a walking skeleton. But his sunken face... It was full of life, in his eyes there was hope.
- My dear brother, I know you would not be fooled by that damn fake writing. - Loki hugged him and it was a warm, glad hug, something Loki rarely gave to anyone -  So tell me now, brother, what do you know?
   Thor felt guilt looking into his eyes, he knew it wasn't right to lie to him about Leah, but there wasn't any other way. He took a deep breath and took a step backwards.
-  I only know, brother, that you are doing the wrong thing. Instead of deny her death you should mourn her and let her go. That is what she would also want you to do.
-  You fucking liar! You bastard!
   Thor knew it really wasn't about him, but more about the anger his brother felt against the whole world. Everybody was lying to him and everybody wanted him to accept it, to move on like Leah was really dead. She could not be...
   Loki grabbed his brother and pulled him, beat him, screamed curses into his face. But Thor didn't even feel his punches they were so weak. He felt pity and endless worry for him for him at the same time. He couldn't be mad at him, not now. After a few minutes he got tired, so tired, that he fell to the ground.
   It was really sad to see Loki like this, but Thor had given up about talking to him. Not like he didn't try, he was there for like an hour but Loki just ignored him, his questions, his begging and everything. So he left...
   Loki crawled into his bed, took a deep breath and fell asleep. As every night since the news came, he dreamed of Leah again.
   Usually his dreams were more focused on the tricks and mishcief they did together, but not this time. This dream was somehow different.
   The were running on a field, full of flowers. Loki didn't like flowers, but looking back at them now he found them mesmerizingly beautidul. Well Leah, she was keen on them, she spent most of her freetime taking care of her botanic garden. Loki knew it was her biggest passion so he suprised her with flowers every week. They quikly added up, so she started to plant them on a nearby field. As the years went by, they populated the little field. It was the place from then where Leah went to read, to practice magic, to take nice, long walks. Loki regularly joined her and a lot of times dragged her into some kind of trick at the end.

   In this dream they were running through the field being chased by soldiers. Loki pretended to be a warlord by shapeshifting and commanded a bunch of soldiers to jump off towers. Obviously, nobody was keen on that decision but when the first person who jumped turned into a pigeon they became more excited about it. The only problem was that Loki forgot to turn them back. When he was leaving, he turned back to his true form and the commander who saw him grabbed a few soldiers and followed him.
 

Leah was a very bold woman, who liked to get in trouble, and was good at getting out of it. When they reached the field she turned them into flowers, so the soldiers would go away searching for them still.
   Since he was told to his fave that she was dead, Loki realised how much he needed that woman. That smile, that courage, that spirit. She was just the right person for him in every kind of way...
   Then he woke up. Jumped out of bed, took a look out of the window. It was pitch dark outside. He put on some clothes and slowly opened the door. Nobody was around so he stepped outside. It was like a different world after those weeks he spent in the dark. Even if there were only a few candles on the walls he felt like he was burning on the sun. He started running, headed to the closest exit to the gardens.
   It took quite a long time until he finally found the field, when back in the days he could get there with eyes closed. He stopped at the edge to look around. He saw how they were lying there, looking up at the stars or gazing the clouds. Or when they practised dueling together. Oh Leah, she was such a strong woman, she always beat him up when it came to fighting. She IS a strong woman, he corrected himself. She is still alive, she must be...
   He walked into the field of a thousand flowers and he set down, placing his cold hands on the colorful petals. Even in this dark they were so unique and there were so many kinds.
-  Leah, you have to come back soon. There is now hard feelings, I swear, no dagger in your back or revenge tricks. But you have to... Please just... Take care of yourself, okay? And come back to me... You were so right that night, I need you. Truly. I very much need you. I don't know where to search for you and I do not know either how long I can hold on. So, just come back... Come back home, please... It is not like home without you... It is just pure suffering, everyday, believe me. I will apologize for everything I said, I swear, you were right in every little detail... That is why I badly need you... Deadly need you...