A Part of My Memory

Elliot

I looked at Harley. She had a solemn look on her face, anxious almost. "You really like her, don't you?"

She nodded and then opened her mouth to speak when a figure suddenly appeared in front of us. Both Harley and I stood, facing Zara.

"Hi," Harley said awkwardly.

Zara looked at her, "hi."

"I... I'm so sorry for your loss."

Zara bit her lower lip and took a deep, trembling breath, "thanks."

Harley looked down then, picking at her nails. "So, are you leaving?"

"What?"

"You remember now, you know we were lying when we called you our second cousin," Harley said, her voice cracking near the end.

"I know. But I'm not leaving." Harley looked up then, her eyes brimming with tears. "You were my favourite second cousin you know, but I guess now you'll have to be my favourite fake second cousin."

Harley laughed and launched herself at Zara who stumbled but managed to stable herself, hugging Harley back. I couldn't stop the stray tear that fell at Zara's effort to make Harley feel better when she was the one who was in the most pain. She always put other people's needs before her own, and now she went as far as telling a joke to make Harley smile.

My heart clenched, like it was being squeezed but being made full at the same time.

Tears streaked down Zara's cheek but she didn't let go of Harley, and before I knew it, I joined their hug, wrapping my arms around the both of them.

****

Zara didn't go to work and insisted that she was fine staying home alone. But I could tell that she didn't mean that.

I couldn't get away from work this time but I found myself calling Zara often to talk to her. I finished work at 16:30 but I snuck out at 15:45, unable to wait any longer. My parents were picking Harley up from school today so I wouldn't need to leave once I got home. I only stopped once to pass by the store and pick up a few things.

Back at the house, I found Zara in the lounge, seated on the couch and watching a movie.

"Hey," I greeted.

"Hi."

I looked at the TV to see what she was watching. "Is that the lion king?"

"Yeah," Zara confirmed. "We always used to watch it." We. She was talking about her best friends.

I sat beside her on the couch and watched with her. It was the scene where Mufasa died.

"Serena used to be obsessed with this movie, and she always cried when this scene came on. She watched it so many times that I know the words by heart." Zara laughed, but there was no humour.

"Dad? Dad, come on," she said alongside Simba. "You gotta get up. Dad? We gotta go home." I looked at her then and noticed her erratic breaths and the way tears kept flowing from her eyes. She had her fists clenched and she was shaking.

I turned off the TV then and pulled her close to me as she broke down in my arms.

"Help!" she said, continuing Simba's lines even though the TV was now off. "Somebody. Anybody. Help."

"Hey, I'm here," I told her softly, concerned about the way her body was shaking so much. I held her closer, but no matter how close she was it didn't feel like she was close enough. None of it was enough.

"It hurts, Elliot," she mourned. "It hurts so much."

She curled into me, wrapping her arms around my neck and crying into my shoulder. Despite myself, I froze, my breath catching in my throat. I was only comforting her, I told myself, she only needed comfort from me, so I gave it to her. I gave her all of my comfort.

I rubbed her back and whispered consoling words in her ear, all while trying to ignore how conscious I was of her closeness.

****

I heard the front door open and close.

I thought it was Harley and my parents, but the clip-clop of heels on the ground told me otherwise.

"Ellie!" Jess called before entering the room. "Ah, there you are."

I tried not to stiffen. Zara had fallen asleep but she still had herself curled around me, with her arms around my neck and her face buried in my chest.

"Hey, Jess."

"What's going on here?" She asked, taking in the scene. "Did something happen?"

"Yeah," I confirmed. "Zara lost her friends in an accident."

"Oh, that's horrible."

"Yeah."

"You're quite the comforting cousin," Jess remarked, sitting beside me and taking my hand. "I'm not even close to my cousins like that."

I cleared my throat. "Aren't you?"

"No, I would hug them and all, but I would have moved them a long time ago if they fell asleep on me."

I only nodded. She had a point, and now that I thought about it I wondered why I hadn't moved. If anyone else had fallen asleep on me I would have carefully laid them down on the couch, and yet I had stayed with Zara even though I knew that she wouldn't wake up even if I moved her, being the hard sleeper that she was and all.

"You ready for our dance practice tomorrow?" Jess asked. It was already Friday tomorrow. "We start at 5 pm and end at 7 pm."

"2 hours?"

"Yeah, as I said, it has to be perfect," she reminded me. "And we're starting this late, we should have started weeks several before."

Zara stirred and my arms automatically went around her. I released Jess' hand and rubbed Zara's back to keep her asleep. The only time she was at peace was when she was sleeping because her emotions and memories couldn't torment her. But her dreams still could.

"I guess," I said.

"You excited though?"

"Yeah."

"Ellie," Jess suddenly said and only then did I realise my attention was still on Zara.

I looked at Jess then. "I'm sorry Jess, I'm just..." I sighed, "I'm just worried about her, that's all."

"And I get that," she said, but I couldn't help but notice the tenseness in her expression. "She's your cousin, after all."

I sighed again. Silently this time. Zara knew we weren't related, but I had forgotten that Jess still believed she was my cousin. But as long as Zara was still here, I had to continue lying to Jess, because she would make sure to get rid of Zara if she knew we weren't related, and Zara needed me right now.

Now more than ever. So I wasn't just going to leave her.